When a Pervert Joins the Exchange Program
by PathofOdinSonofThor
Summary: Theo Beneventi is a pervert. When the Exchange Program denied his host application, they gave him a two page report on his internet search history alone and why it disqualified him, but when he ends up saving a completely stupid echidna, they begin to reconsider his place. The only problem for him is that pesky "no touch" prohibition. He's bound to break it. (No lemon.)
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N) IT'S FINALLY HERE! After months of planning, and writing, and rewriting, and editing, and beta reading followed by more editing, then more planning, I have finally finished the debut chapter of the "The Life the Girls of Monster Musume Deserve"! May I present to you (drum roooooll) "When a Pervert Joins the Exchange Program"! I can promise you the wait will be SOOOO worth it. I am so satisfied with how this worked out.**

 **Aside from the constant stroking of my own ego (giggity), I intentionally made these chapters a bit shorter than the ones in "War of Onyx and Aber" so I would (hopefully) be able to update them a bit quicker, as well as making it flow a bit more fluidly. Also, I don't know if I've been clear on this in the original manuscript, but this won't be set on a clear update schedule until I finish my main story. I will be updating it, but the schedule will be sporadic at best, and perennial at worst. No, not one update a year- I'm not a monster. Just freakishly infrequent.**

 **Something else I want you all to keep in mind is that this story will not feature the cast of MonMusu as the primary characters. They will show up every once in awhile as cameos, but the cast for this story is completely original. However, if you guys have any ideas for characters that you'd like me to put in as supporting or background characters, feel free to PM me and we'll talk!**

 **That said, I'm going to open this story with the same greeting I opened the last one with: enjoy this little diddy you rat bastards. I love you all.**

Chapter 1

 _Pom! Pom! Pom!_

His knuckles were starting to bleed, but he kept pressing forward.

 _Papa pom!_

With each new combo, came a new pain, and yet he couldn't find himself stopping. He craved this type of injury. Even through the bandages wrapped around his hands, his skin beneath split open and painted the gauze red, peppering the punching bag in front of him with splotches of what he called hard work.

 _Thwack!_

Boxing was a good start, but relying on one simple style was the best way to guarantee you would lose a fight, especially when you were trying to go pro. Throwing a few kicks wasn't just fun for Theo, but necessary.

Off to the side in his basement, lying on the chair next to the lightweight, an alarm began blaring and Theo stopped his tirade mid-strike to jump away. Turning down the music in the heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch in the background, the amateur fighter clicked off the incessant noise and danced over to the side, hardly even breaking a sweat over the past few hours since today had been focused on light cardio. He felt good. He loved easy days because he didn't feel like collapsing shortly afterwards, and grinning as he put his way blonde hair up in a top knot, he reached inside the mini fridge in the corner and pulled out a protein shake, downing it easily.

"You're over extending," said a voice off to the side, "If you keep throwing your punches too hard, you're going to leave yourself open for a counter strike or a clinch. I know you're trying to do some damage, but not only are you breaking your knuckles every time you do it, you're going to leave your core open."

Letting out a satisfied "ahh" as he finished chugging his supplement, Theo gave his coach a grin, a younger man who was shorter than his son, and the only signs of age being crow's feet by his eyes and a sun bleached face, and waved him off. Theo had smile that was just too wide for his face, leaving a permanent smirk on the corner of his lips.

"Aw, come on, Dad!" Theo whined jokingly, "It's not like that's going to be the thing that beats me. My style is built entirely around counters, throws, and how to break them, so even if my opponent does hip toss me, I'll get the high ground within seconds." Papa Beneventi pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"I'm really looking forward to the day you get beaten and come to your senses," the older man groaned, knowing that in any other circumstance, that that would have earned a call from child protective services, "I know you're not going to jump into the pro circuit until you turn 21, but if you don't lose the cocky attitude in that two years, you're not even going to win the first round."

"Well, if you'd let me compete in amateur competitions before then…" Theo let that statement hang in the air as he began a series of side jumps to try to keep his burn going, Indestructible by Disturbed coming on as the previous song ended.

"If you didn't hear me a second ago, you're only nineteen and already skilled enough to get scouted by professional talent agents in the UFC," Theo's father reiterated flatly, "No one in your age and weight bracket is anywhere close to your level outside the professional octagon, so they wouldn't be worth your time."

"He wants me to know my limits, but won't let me test my limits," Theo said sarcastically with a sly shake of his head, throwing a few rounds of shadow boxing, "Because that makes perfect sense. Try sticking to coding, Dad, because practical logic just doesn't seem to agree with you."

"Ha, ha, ha," the older man laughed dryly, "Just get back to work."

Theo shrugged and rolled his shoulders a few times to loosen back up before stepping back over to the punching bag. Standing off to the side, Papa Beneventi reset the timer for a minute and a half, and sounded off the starting bell for Theo to start another barrage, hopefully breaking the bag this time. It only took one combo for another visitor to step in.

"Mom! Why?" Theo groaned at length, "You had to turn it off right in the middle of the song?!"

"Woman!" Theo's father snapped, but the soft smile on his face let his wife know the attack was one of rough affection which she shared her son's coy smile at, "We're in the middle of training! I'm assuming this is important?"

"All you guys do all day is train," Theo's mother said harshly, wrapping her son in a tight hug, "Don't you think he's earned a break? At least for today?"

"Hurk! Mom!" Theo panicked, tapping her elbow lightly.

"Eep! Sorry!" The woman laughed as she released the hold she had on her son, watching the color return to his face as the air flow opened up again.

"I don't mind getting a few rounds in before you guys leave," Theo admitted, rubbing his neck lightly, "It's been a pretty slow day for me. This is the easiest I've had it in months, and I've forgotten how fun beating the crap out of the bag could be. Let me enjoy this!"

"Hmm… OK!" the matriarch allowed, waving a piece of paper in the air as she began to walk off, "I guess you don't want to hear about your application results then?" She smiled triumphantly when she felt the envelope get stolen from her.

"I didn't say that," Theo said excitedly, tearing the parsel to shreds but making sure to keep the contents in tact, "Why didn't you say you had this a second ago?!"

"You guys yelled at me when I came downstairs!" the woman whined. Rolling his eyes, the father of the family wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders and gave a quick peck on the cheek, nuzzling his way through her chest length greying hair, making the woman giggle. Most children would have been disgusted by that, but Theo found it cute. It showed everyone that their marriage was still going strong.

"Why did you even apply for the exchange program anyway?" Theo's father asked genuinely.

"Because if you guys are going to be overseas for six months working on some random French company's internet security, I don't want to be in this house alone for that time," Theo admitted, "It would drive insane. More importantly, I don't want to stay with any of our family for that time. We can barely stand each other during the holidays, so I'm pretty sure it would take at least a week before we'd end up trying to kill each other."

"Didn't Greg say you could stay with him?" Mama B noted as her son scanned over the papers, remembering the offer a close friend of the family made last time he was over for dinner.

"Yes, but he's hosting that inari girl now, and I don't really want to intrude," Theo explained, "That means the only option is the… Exchange… Program…"

The statement died on his tongue. Halfway through reading the paper, he pulled off a bit of sticky tack sealing a portion of the letter shut, and then a series of papers unfolded from the original until the letter was more than twice as long. His previous gleeful grin was gone. Even his unending smirk had been replaced by an emotionless pallor as he stared at the parchment he held in front of him. If one looked just closely enough, you could see left eye twitching like he was about to start laughing. Instead of giving into the humor of it, though, he dropped the letter on the ground where he was standing, and paraded upstairs to his room without a single word. Curiously, his parents glanced at one another and picked it up.

Once he was safely in his room, the door closed and the athletic tape safely removed from his battered hands, he pulled up a nearby chair, propped his feet up on his desk and silently examined the ceiling, thinking to himself. That's why they denied him? All for that one reason? Sure, that one minor detail had nearly two pages explaining why that one thing was a bad enough to nearly put him on a government watch list, but declining his application for such a simple thing was ridiculous. Theo found it so peculiar, it was almost funny. In fact, it was outright hilarious, and so much so that he began laughing hysterically in his seat.

If he was ever asked the question, Theo wouldn't deny he was a pervert. If someone accused him, he would accept the title not unlike a badge of honor, making it seem like something that he wasn't ashamed of. He even had a list of go-to responses. Things like "you're not wrong," or "and in other news, water is wet," made up his usual retorts when someone pointed that out. Trying to deny he was a pervert was a battle he wasn't willing to have. If he was going to bother to lie about something, or even try to bluff his way out of the label, he felt that the lie had to be remotely believable.

One look at his internet history could tell you that that wasn't believable.

In hindsight, he knew that he would never have been able to convince the international government into letting him host an extraspecies family because the minute they did a background search on him and dug through his computer, all of the kinky files and websites he had been to would definitely have scared them off. Particularly when most of the girls were as "passionate" as they were charitably described as. Thinking he'd be accepted by the ISEP was ridiculous.

"I see you're having a fun time," Theo's mother noticed, stepping inside the door.

"Hey, Mom," Theo greeted, his smile falling and sitting forward in his chair uncomfortably.

"So, they didn't take you in, huh?" the woman asked.

"Nope," Theo grimaced, knowing where this was going.

"That's quite a big search history you have there," his mom said hesitantly, wanting to breach the subject but unsure how.

"Yeah…" Theo muttered tightly, clenching his teeth.

"What exactly is spider hentai?" the woman asked casually, but instead of answering, Theo shot his head up to her with a pleading look.

"We'll be leaving soon, OK?" she changed the subject, giggling through the hand she slapped over her mouth, "We'll call you when we meet our layover, and then when we move into the home we'll be staying in once we get to France, we'll see if we can figure out a living situation for you."

Silently, Theo nodded and closed the door behind her, seeing her out politely. With one glance at his clock, he did the math and knew that they wouldn't need to catch their taxi for the nearby airport for another hour or so, so with nothing better to do, Theo opened up his laptop and began looking up M rated fiction on his favorite fanfiction sites. After all, he did have a bit of time to kill before he needed to help them with their bags.

(...)

"Damn you, Pavlov," Theo muttered under his breath as he gave the kind woman with several piercings and dyed green dreadlocks his last dollar.

The martial artist would consider himself a moral absolutist. He always made sure he lived his life in a way where he could lay his head down at night and be happy with himself, that he could look at himself in the mirror and be satisfied with what he saw. Even more importantly, every decision he made was always thought through. Every single thing he did, every single thing he said, or bought, or posted on the internet, he never regretted because he knew he was justified by it. It was how he was raised.

The problem with the difference of right and wrong being drilled into your head from birth, however, is that it conditions you to take care of others before you take care of yourself. It was Pavlov's Dogs brought to life, showing the results of Operant Conditioning. Theo had brought that one single dollar, the only cash he had to his name until his parents wired him some money, so he could buy his favorite spiced lemonade at the park he was jogging in, but the minute he saw someone panhandling, his compassionate nature got the better of him.

Even though he knew he did something good, why did it make him feel so… rotten?

Grumbling the whole time, disappointment-induced fatigue weighing him down, he walked at a brisk pace towards a trail leading to the park's woods. There was a water fountain down there in the middle of a molded picnic area. Maybe it was because the structure was right next to a small stream and covered with moss, but it was the only fountain in the entire park that had cold water, and Theo saw it as a gift from God.

As he partially suffocated himself trying to quench his thirst, he froze tensely, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end with a chill running down his spine. Lightning struck out from the tips of his fingers and toes. Most people wouldn't know what that feeling came from, but after training his instincts for years, he was all too familiar with it. Someone was watching him.

His heart was pounding in his ears. Since he didn't need a shirt to jog a few miles, the only thing on him that he might have been able to use as a weapon was his watch that his lips brushed against as he wiped his mouth. Maybe a fallen branch or a rock, if he was lucky. However, he didn't want to look too alert. Any anxious moves would let the person who was watching him know that he was aware of their presence. Calmly, he glanced this way and that without moving his head. Pivoting around, he began to walk back down the path, keeping his shoulders tight and his chin tucked in case someone jumped him, keeping his senses heightened, but then something rather neat caught his eye.

Off to the side, there was a thick cord of white scales coiled tightly around a tree trunk. Black spots like a jaguar's blazed across the limb. Following it up, and seeing where the twenty foot long tail ended, his mind was put completely at ease when he saw what had made him so nervous.

"You uh… You having fun up there?" Theo asked the girl, sporting a sassy smile at her predicament. She was a… lamia, he thought? No, that didn't seem right. Her arms were covered in thick scales, her hands were clawed like a demon. Maybe she was a subspecies of lamia?

"Yeah, it's nice up here! The cold air up here is pleasant in the summer!" snapped the girl in a thick, Irish brogue. Theo nodded, thinking that the raggedy bright red hair trailing down her back made more sense now.

"Pretty good view?" he offered.

"Where I'm standing, yes, you thick piece of man meant! Care to join me?!" The line was incredibly flirty but laced with nothing but spite. Theo took a moment to think about what we wanted to say before he let out another word, trying to keep his blush down.

"You're stuck up there, aren't you?"

"I am not!"

"You need a hand?"

"Maybe…"

He shook his head. He had known this girl for all of three seconds, but if he had to describe her in one word as of yet, he would say she was a kind of an idiot. He really didn't know how this girl functioned. Come to think of it, if a lamia subspecies was stuck in a tree when lamias are known to be great climbers, he could only assume she wandered too far from her caretaker. Fortunately climbing trees was something he did all the time as a kid, and being in such good shape had him up to her in a matter of seconds, sitting on the branch opposite hers and making sure he didn't hurt her tail on the way up.

Leaning against the trunk and trying to ignore the bark cutting into his skin, he looked at her with a raised eyebrow. She had a doubting expression, her brow arched as her autumn colored eyes looked him up and down, but when she saw the teasing look he was giving her, her pupils of all things narrowed at him. Scoffing slightly, he gave her a once over. He couldn't tell much about her body with her scrunched up against the tree as she was, but he could see more of her now than he could on the forest floor. A few bobby pins held her hair back, making him able to see every single freckle on her cheeks uninhibited. Her lips were a dark scarlet, almost blood colored, but the color was natural, and speaking of makeup, she had plenty of glittery mascara and crusted eyeliner over her eyes, only making her glare more intimidating.

If she was actually intimidating, that is. That ship had sailed the minute Theo figured out she was too scared to get out of the tree by herself. If they had met in any other circumstance, though, her cold gaze and cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass would have given her a terrifying vibe.

"So!" Theo said far too happily, "How are you?"

"Peachy, thanks for asking," the girl replied flatly.

"Oh! Good to know!" he teased her, his overly cheerful tone persisting, "Glad to hear that you're not embarrassed by being a snake who doesn't know how to climb." He flinched when he felt her tail wrapping around his leg threateningly, but she decided against risking a fall and pulled it back.

"Hey! I'm a water snake!" she claimed, followed by a string curses that would have made her homeland proud. After a minute, her anger died down.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed…" Theo apologized, breaking eye contact. His sarcasm had immediately broken and gave way to a gentle tone, so the girl eyed him carefully again, but this time, in a different light.

"You don't talk to lamias very often, do you?" she asked lightly. Theo turned to face her again, his eyebrow arching just a bit.

"No?" he responded quietly, "They're not very common around the United States. Most of the liminal species around the area are more mammalian or avian like inaris, kobolds, or harpies. There are a lot of people who do have reptilian and insectoid species, but the families that host them usually work in zoos or conservation areas where those species would be more comfortable."

"And snakes don't bug you?" she asked quickly, her coils loosening up and letting off a subtle rattle from the motion of such a large body. Her golden claws even let go of the trunk and she sidled closer to Theo's side, leaning against the tree more comfortably than before.

At this angle, he could tell more about her. Up top, she was wearing a pure white blouse whose buttons were low enough for him to see an ample bust that was easily a DD cup, and below, she was sporting a denim skirt with a few strategically placed tears here and there, as well as a frayed hem, making it more stylish. On her left wrist was an apple watch, but on her right was a single bracelet made of shells. All of this accented nicely with her spiral gauges in her ears, giving her face a softer appearance than her sharp features previously allowed, as if the accessories were a conscious effort to make her appear nicer.

Focusing more on what she said, he turned to her, pulling his knee up to his chest with his brow furrowed tersely.

"Have you had some kind of trouble since you've been in the States?" he asked, but when she didn't answer and only stared at him blankly, he answered her question, "The way I see it, you could have been a six hundred foot tall purple platypus with pickles for teeth, and I still would have treated you like I would treat anyone else. So what if you look differently than me? A different race, religion, or even a different species doesn't change the fact that you're still a person." He gave her a sarcastic grin. "As long as you promise not to strangle me with your tail and swallow me whole, I have no reason to hate you."

The snake girl giggled with her fingers shooting up to her cheek cutely, then narrowed her eyes at him seductively, speaking slowly.

"Fine, I won't eat you, but…" she paused for a second, "I can't promise that strangling you is out of the question."

"Is that a kink of yours?" he shot quickly, his wolfish grin hitting her hard. She shook his head at him.

"You don't waste any time, do you?"

Theo could only laugh awkwardly. He had no idea where that came from, but cursed his verbal filter for not catching it.

"I'm Dagny," she introduced herself, "You?"

"Theo Beneventi," he said proudly, "It's nice to meet you!"

"You too," Dagny said through a laugh, having become comfortable enough to let her tail drape around the branches lazily and turn around so her back was leaning against the trunk, "So, here's a thought for you. Do you normally go around climbing trees with monsters that you're worried might kill you?"

"The answer to the question relies heavily on if you're going to kill me or not," Theo shot back readily.

"Haven't decided yet," Dagny said just as quickly.

"In that case, no," Theo admitted, "Normally, if I'm climbing a tree with anyone, it's more often to rescue one of those human type of monsters? What are they called…? Oh yeah! Children."

Dagny belted out a laugh so hard she almost fell out of the tree. Truth was, Theo rarely ever climbed, even if it was for training, but he figured that if it was for the sake of the joke, a small lie didn't really matter.

Her laugh was adorable, and contagious. He was tempted to crack a few more lines like that, but he knew when to quit. Plus, sitting there and doing nothing more than chat with her was nice. She was an energetic personality, lighting up the woods with her cheery rants, her hands flailing this way and that violently with the same fire as her words. He had only been sitting with her for a few minutes, but now she seemed like a totally different person. When he first broke the ice, she was cold to him, like she was trying to scare him off so she could work out of the trap she set for herself on her own, but after he got her to relax, she was the physical embodiment of passion. She wouldn't sit still, and she spoke so quickly that Theo had to wonder if she had stopped to breath even once. Dagny was quite the show. He could have sat there and listened to her all day.

Eventually, however, a group of government issued suits came around looking for her, and she crawled down the tree head first without any issue, contradicting her previous statement about being a water snake. Jumping down from his perch, Theo made sure to see her off. Unfortunately, he was only half listening to what was going on around him, more focused on Dagny than anyone else and unaware of the gaze one of the agents had on him. She was a brown skinned woman, her hair as straight as her skirt halfway down her back, and bandages covering most of her exposed flesh, sunglasses over her lifeless, gray eyes. A hooked staff as long as her legs was in her hand, thrumming with power. She was sizing up Theo like she wanted to roast him alive, all the while chewing out Dagny for separating from the group.

Theo, however, couldn't take his eyes off of the lamia he had been chatting with. He wasn't sure what to think of her- other than that she was freaking hot, of course, but that was besides the point. Was she cute? Spicy? Bubbly? Was she a thug underneath a mask of great fashion, or was she a megalomaniacal mastermind posing as a basic white girl? He still thought she was an idiot, but she struck as someone he wanted to get to know.

From the little Theo had gathered, she was probably all of the above. It was too bad he was never going to see her again.

 **(A/N) Like I said, I LOVE how this turned out. I could easily see this version of the story getting more popular than the original once I update a few more chapters and flesh out the story a bit more.**

 **What did you guys think about Theo? I ended up modeling him after my main character on the novel I'm working on, Dalton, so he is one hundred percent the same character, but with one major difference- different environments. Theo has been fortunate enough to live a very privileged life, wanting for nothing, so he seems to have everything together and even gathered a kind of prideful personality because of it. Dalton, on the other hand, is an oppressed individual thanks to the circumstances of his birth, and has become a societal delinquent because of it. They're both sarcastic as all Hell, but while Theo is a genuinely kind person, even for often ulterior motives, and with an occasional arrogant streak, Dalton is very cautious around those he doesn't know, loyal to the one's he does, and uses sarcasm as a shield.**

 **They're just the EXACT same character under different stimuli, and it shows. Theo never had a reason to stand up for himself, and has the confidence to match someone who was handed things his entire life. Dalton, on the other hand, has had to do nothing but fight, despite living in what is arguably an even more privileged lifestyle.**

 **I'm kind of a fan of contradictory characters like that.**

 **My own excitement aside, Dagny is one of my favorite OCs that I've written for MonMusu. I originally created her because I love the idea that lamias and lamia sub species wrap around their partners when they sleep at night, and that kind of cuddling sounds very appealing to me, as well as an irish girl with an attitude, but eventually, Dagny took on a life of her own and became more of a fleshed out character than most I've created. Granted, this is the first chapter, so you're not inclined to see why until the story continues.**

 **As for the next few girls, first of all, yes, this is obviously going to be a harem and I am going to base it on a few tropes like "motherly figure," "sporty girl," "childhood friend," "the utter moron," but I've never been satisfied with the old tropes since it seems like, if you can describe your character in one archetype like that, they need more work. That said, I'm going to evolve those tropes to make something new with each character. Essentially, what I'm saying is that these characters will spawn the ultimate flame war over who Best Girl is. I want each and everyone of them to be likeable to a majority of people for one reason or the other, and that you don't feel attracted to them because of their species or a single personality trait, but because you feel you already have a relationship with them because of how real they seem to you.**

 **As for Theo, keep in mind, this is the first chapter. Right now, I've established that he IS a pervert, if you want to see how that affects his daily life and how he treats the girls, well, you'll just have to wait until the next chapter.**

 **I'll see you all in the next update! It's good to be back my Wholesome Hosts.**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N) This story hasn't been up for very long, and it's already received an amazing response from you guys! I am so glad you like it! Before I begin this chapter, there was a question brought up to me from the original version that I want to answer. Also, I'll respond to the reviews at the end.**

 **The question was "Do I really think Kimihito was a bad person," and I definitely see why that question was brought up given how I trashed him throughout that story, but to answer honestly, not at all! Kimihito is a really nice guy, despite falling into the same curse that most harem leads suffer from where he's the most incredibly boring person in the entire country.**

 **Side note: he was much, much, MUCH, more interesting and outright captivating when I mistook his "Dark Past" for being a ganglord in high school instead of being a chuuni scrub. There was so much potential there that they missed out on! How would the people he hurt play into his household? What kind of horrid things did he do? Did he evade the police or is he in some kind of witness protection program? How did he even get out of gang life to begin with? It was disappointing, but that's besides the point.**

 **I think Kimihito is one of the nicest guys imaginable. Actually nice. Not a #NiceGuy. He's sweet, compassionate, and is always looking out for his girls, and I get that that's his reasoning for not picking someone to stick with, and that without his reluctance, we really wouldn't have the same anime, but that's exactly the problem. His indecision causes more problems than it solves, and this is clear throughout the entire date arc, and Agent Smith even points this out in episode three after the girls almost kill him during a full moon. I get that he's going to "date" them before he decides, but let's be real here, no he isn't. He has to be strong armed into dating them by Smith and the MON Squad. It's because all of the girls are fighting for him that their relationship is as bad as it is with their only common ground being that they want to get an edge over each other, so they'll be nice and take care of the household until they can do so.**

 **To put it simply, he's hurting them MORE by not even viewing them romantically, than the alternative. If he would just skip ahead and pick Miia, we all know the girls would be disappointed and heart broken, but they still would never leave him. Their relationship and the household would only improve without the obstacle of vying for his affection.**

 **Actually, it's THIS very concept that indirectly inspired a major character trait of Theo's that will largely affect his relationship with Dagny. Specifically Dagny as opposed to the other girls that will show up.**

 **TL;DR, I don't think Kimihito is a bad guy. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. I just believe his idea of treating the girls kindly and compassionately, and trying not to hurt them, is misguided. He has good intentions, sure, but you know what they say: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and littered with corpses.**

 **With that horrifically long response out of the way, here's the next update finally! I hope you enjoy it, as always!**

Chapter 2

Theo was busy telling his parents about the snake girl he met that morning when stuff hit the fan.

"Yeah, she was just stuck there," he told them while digging through the pantry for a power bar, "It was like she was too afraid to move, and then as soon as those agents came to get her she crawled out like it was no problem. Freaked me out."

"A lamia that can't climb?" his mom said, laughing through her hand, "Really?"

"I think she was some kind of subspecies of lamia. You remember my friend Kimihito? The one overseas in Japan? He's staying with one and she didn't have claws. Plus, she had more scales on her face than Dagny did."

"So, her name was Dagny, eh?" Mama B teased.

"Don't encourage this," Theo and his dad said simultaneously. Theo's mom must have had him on speaker phone on the other end.

"Irregardless," Mama B interrupted, using that one grammatically incorrect term that made Theo's skin crawl, "No two humans look completely similar, so just because your friend's homestay doesn't have claws and has scales on her cheeks doesn't mean much, right?"

"Maybe," Theo agreed, "But sharp claws and pointed ears are pretty significant differences."

"Irregardless-"

Theo wished she would stop saying that. She could say "a whole n'other" or "all of the sudden," but it was just that one that annoyed the living daylights out of him.

"-if she's not going to be staying with you, then we need to talk about where you're going to go for the next year," his mom said curtly.

"Don't you guys have a plane to catch?" Theo imported, trying to get out of it. He found the power bar he was looking for, and was now perusing through some martial arts magazines to catch up on the latest matches. With the house to himself, he had Volbeat's song "Warrior's Call" playing in the background and was bopping his head to it, something his parents never allow when they're home.

"We need to talk about this, Theo," Papa B broke in, being the voice of heavy handed reason as always, "You said you didn't want to stay in the house by yourself. Has that changed?" Theo's shoulders slumped. He really didn't want to have this conversation, and his gritted teeth were a clear sign of that.

"You have no idea how much I would rather stay here by myself, bored out of my mind and ready to shoot the rats in the basement for no other reason than to pass the time than stay with Uncle Barry or Aunt Joanne," he growled, "Uncle Barry is a deadbeat abomination that is likely to piss me off with every crude joke and wry remark he makes, and Aunt Joanne… Well, you saw what happened to Charlie."

Theo's Uncle Barry was his dad's brother. Papa Beneventi might have kept in touch with the man, but he always made sure to keep the degenerate away from his family. Barry was rude, abusive, and had no filter. Any time someone called him out on his negative behavior, they were immediately treated like the scum under the bathroom toilet as if they were somehow to blame for his terrible behavior, and that's not even the worst part. He got often got physical. He would slam doors, break objects, and step up to someone as if we was ready to fight if they pushed him too far. As for Aunt Joanne, Mama B's sister, she was terrifyingly religious. She wasn't a member of the Westboro Baptist Church but held many of the same beliefs, and was just as in-your-face about it than most others. Not only that, but her overall personality reminded Theo of the mother from "Carrie." A great movie. It kind of lost its luster, though, when it seemed so real.

Things really broke down when she found out her daughter Charlotte, whom everyone called Charlie, was a lesbian. Charlie had no choice but to stay at the Beneventi's house because of her mother's outright hostile behavior towards her and her girlfriend until the couple moved in together. The bigger problem, though, was that Joanne didn't learn. Instead of realizing she was a terrible person who pushed her daughter away, Joanne doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down on her religion and began making money off of a blog called "My Sinful Daughter." Actually, with that title, many of her readers probably thought the blog was about something else. Or, perhaps, Theo just had a dirty mind, but what else was new?

"What about Greg or Kyle?" Papa B asked, "I know you said you didn't want to stay with Greg since he was hosting Sanaki, but wouldn't Kyle let you stay with him?"

"I didn't really want to impose on Greg, so I never brought anything up to him. It'd be rude to say anything now," Theo answered, "As for Kyle, I couldn't ask that of him. I'd feel like I would be taking advantage of him, and he's also trying to become a host himself. If I suddenly moved in for the next year, it would slow down the process extremely, and I couldn't do that to him."

The doorbell rang, and Theo went to go answer it.

"If he even gets approved, that is," Mama B interjected. Theo tensed up defensively.

"He will. He's the nicest guy I've ever met and would be the most hospitable… I'll call you back."

Theo ended the call the minute he saw the two women who were waiting for him on the end of the door. The first was a woman he didn't recognize, with bandages over her arms and face, a pair of golden ankh earring framing her sharp jaw and a short staff of the same material in her hand. Even though he didn't recognize her, he could tell that she was with the Intercultural Exchange Program judging by her finely pressed suit and the white name tag on her lapel that read "Maleek." In the background, he could see a black sedan parked out front, and an armored truck behind that.

The second was a familiar jumble of freckles and a mess of red hair that he was surprised to find out he was happy to see.

"Dagny! Good to see you again," he greeted, his brow knitting tightly despite the happy smile, "Not that I'm not happy to see you or anything, but… Why are you here?"

She shifted uncomfortably, lacing her fingers in front of her, bringing attention to the change of clothes since that morning. Now, she was wearing a black pleated skirt that matched the splotches on her tail and arms, and a vibrant red sweater that made her hair look even brighter orange than before. She had even changed her makeup. Her eyes were now lighter, and her lips had a nude pink gloss over them, and he couldn't fight back the mental image of what it would be like to kiss her.

Also, the sweater made her boobs look perky and very squeezable. Seeing the slighlty lusty look in his eyes, the agent made it a point to step in between himself and Dagny, giving Theo a deep glare with her soulless pink eyes.

"May we come in?" Maleek asked. Theo laughed nervously.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?" he asked, then stepped aside and waved the two in, "Make yourself at home, Agent!"

The two stepped inside, or rather one of them slithered, and they took their place on the couch. Dagny's twenty foot long body was too big for the room, though. Theo had to carefully step over her tail to reach the chair across from them, and by the time he took his place, the situation hadn't gotten any less tense. Dagny and Theo had trouble making eye contact. However, whenever he met those brightly colored eyes, he could see some kind of knowledge behind them. She wasn't nervous because she had no idea what was going on, like Theo, but rather because she knew exactly what was happening, and that only put Theo more on edge.

The trio waited for a minute, then two, then almost a full ten while Maleek organized the folder on her lap. She flipped through a few pages, signed her name a few times, and outright ignored the girl she was charged with taking care of and the boy whose home she was in. It was like she was trying to make them wait on purpose just to mess with them. Seeing that mindset on her put Theo at ease. Someone being ignorant of when they hurt a person is a different story, and a person who was naturally devoid of humor was even worse, but if Agent Maleek wanted to be a jerk to them just for the semi-harmless fun of it, he could handle that. He enjoyed those kind of playfully sadistic individuals. After about fifteen minutes of waiting for her to spread the files out onto the coffee table for Dagny and Theo to look at, she finally spoke.

"I am Agent Maleek with the Intercultural Exchange Program. You would be Theobold Casey Beneventi, correct?" the agent greeted. Theo shrunk under Dagny's amused smile.

"Yes," he muttered, "Could you not use my full name, though? It's kind of embarrassing."

"Shall I call you, Heavy Hands, then?" the agent teased, smirking dryly. Theo glanced up with a scoff.

"If you want to use my UFC moniker, then sure," he agreed.

"Then you may call me by my first name, Nanu." Straightening up at her seat, Nanu prepared herself for the purpose for which she came to this house. "I'm sure you may be wondering what Dagny and I are doing here, correct?"

"That is one of the many questions I have asked myself today, yes."

"I see that you applied for the Homestay Program in 2017, judging by your file, but you were denied the opportunity to become a host only yesterday," Maleek explained, scanning a piece of paper as she spoke, then turning it downward to glare at Theo with a dead panned expression over her sunglasses, "And frankly? I could see why."

Theo only gave a sheepish grin at the Agent, then shriveled up under the curious gaze Dagny was giving him. Why had he been denied, she wondered.

"Nevertheless," she continued, "After you saved Dagny from the most ridiculous situation I've ever seen-" Theo was glad he wasn't the only one who thought that, and returned Dagny's amused smirk back to her "-she's made the decision that she would like to live with you, despite our own misgivings about you. While normally, anyone we deem unfit to be a host family will not be afforded a homestay, there are certain cases where a reversal may be performed, and this is one such case. Primarily, the ICEP is concerned the health and well-being of the girls in our system. That said, if one of our exchange students would like to stay with someone of their own choice, and as long as that person wasn't classified as a threat to the girl's physical safety, their decision outweighs our own. Fortunately, because you have already applied, it will save us a lot of paperwork putting you into our system, but we will need you to sign a few forms that will help us overturn our previous classification. Is this clear?"

Theo blinked a few times, trying to get the shock out of his mind, his head swimming with all of the information he just received. He had already spent half the morning trying to figure out what to do with his life for the next six months, trying to avoid putting himself into a bad situation or risk inconveniencing his friends, and now, by some Deus ex Machina levels of nonsense, he was being afforded his ideal situation? One that he was already refused? The bigger conundrum was how this girl actually chose to stay with him the day after his parents left for half a year, and how he'd be stuck in the same house with her for that amount of time as if she were some damsel in distress he was rescuing. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, his temples starting to pulse from stress, the only thought he could process before breaking himself from his internal monologue was "this seems like something out of a bad anime."

"Yeah, I understand, but I have a few questions," Theo said, leaning forward with a more confident demeanor about him, now that he knew what was going on. Internally, he was freaking out over the whole thing. Was Dagny nuts, or just that clingy that a twenty minute conversation in the park sparked her interest? Even more importantly, how would his situation go over with the ICEP? Nanu said that even if Dagny chose to stay with him, the only reason they'd deny her the opportunity was if Theo was deemed to be a threat to her physically, but didn't sexual reasons count as well? It was why he was denied, he thought.

His body wanted to go in full panic mode, but his mind knew better. He did not have time for that. He had more important stuff to handle at the moment, and could go hyperventilate in his room after everything was said and done. For now, all he had to do was not screw up his chance to host Dagny.

All paranoia aside, he did want to host her. She seemed nice.

"Ask away," Nanu allowed, getting comfortable on the couch.

"First of all, did Dagny not-" Theo stopped himself, then redirected the question to the mamono herself, thinking it was rude to talk about her like she wasn't there, "Did you not have a host family before you met me? What were you doing in the park?" There was a subtext in that sentence. He wanted to know if she was running away from her previous family, or if something might have happened with them that might have broken the Interspecies Exchange Bill from three years prior. It would give him more information on how he should conduct himself currently, and how to treat her later on.

Taking the Hogwarts House quiz on Pottermore, Theo qualified as a Slytherin, and this was why. He had a silvertongue, and knew how to abuse it. Quite maliciously, actually. Like a sorority girl hazing party involving paddles. No matter who he was talking to or what the subject was, he was a deviously brilliant conversationalist, able to mold his words and shape the flow of communication in just the way he needed to get what he wanted. Not a skill most people would think a professional bruise model would have, but a useful one nonetheless.

"You'll be my first host family," Dagny said with a shake of her head, her hands flailing as she spoke, "I was in the park to have one of those first meeting type of things with someone who was selected to be my host family and see if I wanted to stay with him, but I wandered off into the woods before the meeting and… Well, you know the rest."

Theo shook his head, grinning sardonically at this moron.

"So, you just left? Just like that? With half of the government looking for you, and the person you were supposed to be staying with feeling like the sound of silence?" Theo couldn't stop laughing even when Dagny wrapped her tail around his throat.

"Listen here you little shit-"

"Any other questions?" Nanu broke in.

"Would it really be that easy to overturn the ruling on me? I just got my refusal letter yesterday, and no offense, but America's bureaucracy isn't the Usain Bolt of institutions." Theo asked the obvious question.

Nanu moved her eyes between them, one brow raising gently. They just stopped fighting with each other like nothing had even happened. There were clearly red skid marks around Theo's neck and Dagny was rubbing the tip of her tail like it was sore, but if someone walked in right now, they wouldn't be able to tell that a human was almost murdered by a monster girl. These two were perfect for each other. Suddenly, the reason that Theo was almost put on a watch list gave Nanu a particularly clever idea that she had to save for later.

"I called my superiors, so right now, we have you listed under 'Red Eye' status."

"Makes sense," Theo said, but Red Eye made no sense.

"It's a type of standby to allow for peculiar situations where a host family's application is being reviewed again to potentially be put into a different category then where it was initially sent. We use it for this situation, as well as for anyone who has broken the Interspecies Exchange Bill, and it's the primary status for any homestay that wishes to leave her host family early as that raises a bit of suspicion. Once you sign the documents I brought with me, I'll send them to the capital right away and your host status will be changed to 'Active,' putting you in the same category as any other host family."

"Naturally."

"So, yes, it is rather simple. It would just take a few weeks for the paperwork to process correctly since the government moves at the speed of slow even on its best days."

Nanu's cheeks tensed as she tried and failed spectacularly to hide the smile at her own joke. When no one else even twitched, letting her know that they hadn't even picked up on the joke, she cleared her throat.

"Fortunately," Nanu continued, "It's an international system, so most of the paperwork is out of the American government's hands. Your approval won't take too long after Dagny officially moves in."

"I didn't say she could stay with me," Theo said suddenly, making both of them look up in fear, "This whole thing has kind of been thrown at me unexpectedly, and I'm unprepared to host someone whom I just met this morning, or anyone for that matter. If nothing else, I expected a some kind of vetting process to make sure me and the girl staying with me would be right for each other, assuming I had been accepted into the program to begin with, instead of just hosting the first girl I met."

"So…" Nanu started, trying to hold back her anger while the lamia looked like she was close to tears, "Does that mean you won't host Dagny?" Theo gave both of them a calm, cheerful smile.

"Oh, I'm definitely going to take her in," he noted, "I just wanted to mess with you a little bit by stating some obvious recourse. Consider that payback for making us wait so long to start this conversation." Nanu grinned evilly. Dagny, brought her hand up to her chest to let out that breath she was holding in.

"Could you take this seriously?" Nanu demanded.

"Oh, I am. Or at least I'm trying to, anyway, but clearly I'm failing," Theo noted, ignoring Dagny laughing over in the corner, "And I'm sorry for that."

"Oh, this one. I like this one," Nanu decided while Dagny continued to stress laugh, "Actually, you bring up a good point. This house is obviously too small for Dagny to live in given her species, but fortunately, the ICEP takes matters into its own hands for this. How would you feel about free home renovations?" Theo immediately straightened up.

"Pardon?" he sputtered.

"That usually gets them." Nanu's victorious smile pissed Theo off.

He and his parents had been discussing remodeling the kitchen for months now, but money had always been a little too tight, taking them a full year to save up enough money just for new countertops. Glancing over to the kitchen, Theo knew it was too classic. The floors were linoleum bathroom tile, the countertops steco board, and the cabinets? Stark white? Are you serious? Then, he looked around at the carpet in his living room, and remembered what his dad had said about changing the lighting, getting hardwood floors, as well as other things they could do to improve the layout of the area. If he wasn't already sold on letting Dagny move in, he was now.

Reaching over the table, he grabbed the pen like a starving coyote at a slab of meat, and given some of the intrusive thoughts of Dagny he was trying to murder, that analogy wasn't too far off. Nanu grinned and took several minutes showing him all of the papers he needed to sign in duplicate, triplicate, and all of the thousands of places he needed to initial, date, and there were even a few places where a thumbprint was necessary, completely unaware of where his mind was at. It all made the original application look tame and that thing even asked the applicant how they felt about blood drinking and if they had ever engaged in necrophilia. The only worrisome thought Theo still had about this whole thing was if he'd be able to contact his parents in time to get their input on how to remodel the house before they caught their next flight.

Dagny, on the other hand, wasn't going to sit there while they bored themselves with paperwork and took this moment to stand up and slither around the house. It looked like she was going to be staying here. With that boy… Glancing over her shoulder, she could see his strong, broad shoulders, his muscular arms hidden under his hoodie, and how that luxurious black of hair of his cascaded down to his shoulders. A slight image of him wrapping himself in his arms, whispering sweet nothings in her ear as his lips traveled down her neck crossed her mind, and she caught herself looking longingly at the back of his head as he focused intently on moving her into his house.

Ever since he rescued her that morning, she couldn't get his face out of her head. He made her feel safe, confident, and happy, and all by doing nothing more than chatting with her like a group of old women with their afternoon tea? She needed him, and now she'd be living with him… alone… for a full year, as a matter of fact, according to the Program's mandate, and even longer if he'd let her. What if he walked in on her changing, or if she did the same to him? His bedroom would only be a few yards down from hers…

"Dagny!" he'd yell at her, his bare chest glistening in the morning sunlight, "W-w-what are you doing?!"

"I just can't resist you!" she'd yell back and tackled him to the bed.

Dagny slapped her flushed cheeks as hard as she could to lower her temperature. As gorgeous as he was, there was still the issue of that whole "no hanky panky with the hosty wosty" clause in the Exchange Bill. Although, if she just let what happened in the bedroom stay in the bedroom…

She slapped herself again.

While the other two tried to focus on getting everything notarized, Dagny got a sick idea and began snooping, subtly trying to stay out of Theo's line of sight as she slithered around the house. She noticed that this family had a deep love of hanging shelves. There were so many lining the walls, that it stuck out enough to be the first thing she noticed, each of them having pictures, or trophies, or some other kind of knick knack resting on it. One even had a full scale model of a revolutionary war-era battleship. Another had a medieval castle.

Nanu began to leave, muttering something under her breath about spider hentai, and just as she began leaving, she waved in a few heavy set men who were carrying Dagny's bags. Following them upstairs, she saw an open door and violently pushed her way passed, politely excusing herself. Jumping inside, she took everything in. Turning around, making a full circle, she examined every inch of the room. Slowly, oh-so-slowly, she wanted to make sure she took in every sight, sound, and smell of these four walls that had just become her new home.

She was sorely disappointed. This was it? She didn't want to sound rude, even in her own mental conversation, but it looked so… Plain. It was just a plain white room. It had a dresser on one side, a bed with light blue sheets in the corner across from the closet, and a TV stand next to the dresser all of which were void of any clutter or decoration. Even the paint was a dull beige, the carpet whiter than her own irish pallor. It didn't bother her too much. While it seemed like this family put in the very minimum effort to host its guests, giving their guest room only the barest bones of decoration or furniture, this would give her plenty of room to express herself with anything she might want to decorate it with. Come to think of it, creative authority might have been the family's intent.

"Sorry the room is so barren. My family tried to prepare for the homestay program when I first applied, but since we didn't know what kind of species we'd be getting, if any, we didn't know how to decorate," came a voice from the doorway. Turning, she saw Theo leaning against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets with a nervous twitch on his lips like he was searching for Dagny's approval.

"It's lovely, Darling! Thank you! It's everything I could ever want!" Dagny squeaked, jumping over to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, her tail around his legs, and looking up at him with her eyes glistening in admiration of him. Theo's mouth dropped. He stood there silently for a second, thinking what he was going to say.

"An empty room with only a bed and two empty tables?" he guessed, his hands awkwardly hovering over her waist as he tried to figure out where an appropriate place to hug her back would be, "You're easy to please."

"Oh, you have no idea."

Dagny giggled huskily, then separated herself from him. He was so kind and sweet to her, but he always fused that compassion with this dry humor that kept her guessing what he'd do next. Even so, his eyes had this dark, intense danger to them. She had trouble making eye contact with him, but every time she was able to look up and meet his eyes, they sent a sharp chill down her spine. Bashfully brushing a strand of hair out of her face and linking her fingers together, she studied the floor intently.

"It's not that," Dagny mentioned quietly, "You've just been so nice to me ever since I met you. When you climbed up that tree to keep me company since I was too… too scared to get down… Letting me stay here even though you really didn't have to. I just… You… Ow!" she whimpered after he flicked her forehead. Rubbing the stinging wound, she glared at him while he gave her the same coy grin he gave her in the trees.

"Don't worry about it," he said matter of factly, "As far as I'm concerned, you're family now. You don't have to thank me for treating you as I would anyone else, and since you're going to be living with me, all you have to worry about is just making yourself at home as best you can."

Before she could help herself, Dagny tackled him out of the room and into the hallway. She laid her human half across his chest and wrapped the rest of herself around him as tightly as possible before she realized she was suffocating him and loosening up.

"I love you darling!" she whispered.

So that's what people mean when they say that monster girls can be kind of aggressive, Theo realized. Why did he have a horrible feeling that he didn't quite think this through?

 **(A/N) Time to answer some reviews!**

 ** _Scattershot98:_** **It's all Big Brother, you know? It's never been a question of IF the U.S. government is spying on its citizens because that's been confirmed a thousand times over, it's a matter of what that spying actually means for the States, so getting his mile long search history of all that freaky-deaky crap isn't in question. Not that it isn't already archived into the bowels of the interwebs anyway. Incognito tabs or no, any skilled hacker can get your search history if they wanted to, and it just so happens to be the US Government's job to do so in some cases- let's say, someone applying for a government position for example, or in Theo's case, someone being at risk for breaking the no-sex prohibition. I'll expand on what Theo thinks of this at some point in the story. Also, if I had to pick one character in all of anime to be my waifu, it would be Miia for little other reason than snek cuddles. Plus, she's charming, adorable, and incredibly loving, and she's also FREAKING HOT, but those are all just a bonus.**

 ** _Echelon9:_** **Oh, staaahhp, you're too kind… Nevermind, proceed as necessary. Anyway, with all the pure Hell this story went through trying to write, perpetually deleting entire pages and having to rewrite them, being unable to decide how to open it or work out the second scene, mixing things up, and adding months to the writing stage that, for all intents and purposes, shouldn't have happened, it doesn't surprise me I'd make a few mistakes. As far as my usual writing process goes, this process was purely chaotic, and it's like my proofing ability improves 1000% after I hit submit.**

 **As far as the harem goes, my thought process here is that there are very few harem protagonists in anime that actually deserve the title "pervert" because all that most of them have to go through is walking in on a girl changing, falling over her and accidentally groping her, and then "b-b-baka!" and getting slapped like a BITCH. Most of which happens by accident.**

 **In fact, the only harem protagonists, or any anime MCs that I can think of that actually can be called perverts are aware of their perversion and embrace it. "My First Girlfriend is a Gal" and "High School DxD" are pretty good examples of this, but I'm also thinking of "Aesthetica of a Rogue Hero." All good animes, if you ask me. My motivation for this story is what if the host was actually a real pervert, and how he'd handle the situations thrown at him, instead of someone like Kurusu who tried to avoid any and all sexual situations. I want Theo to be more like Issei from DxD who is blatantly a pervert, always trying to get some, but would never take advantage of someone or do anything morally wrong. Plus, if actually given the green light to grab one of the girls and go like a herd of turtles, it wouldn't be a matter of if he'd take it, but how soon and how would he do it? Unlike Kurusu who just doesn't want to hurt anybody, only serving to cause more drama in the process.**

 **TheRangerBoy: Hahaha! Haha! Ha… A few months at most, I promise.**

 **Nakaru Uzumaki: There are two points I want to respond to with you. 1) "This is really good." Staaaahp. "Like REALLY good." God, you're making me blush. And 2) To answer your actual question, yes! This story will require more of my focus though, so there's no guarantee when it will update again, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't realize that one of the most important factors to that story's success is that it had the original girls from the first household and someone actually giving into their advances. That, and I think a lot of people like that it follows the same trend in the anime/manga where there's no real plot, but instead it really is DAILY LIFE with monster girls. Of course I'm going to keep that up! I just need to take it off of "complete" status, but well, we'll cross that bridge when it comes.**

 **KingTobi: Reading something like this really puts into perspective how far I've come as an author since writing what was essentially Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time fanfiction in third grade.**

 **EthanWeixel: (/)**

 **Now that that's out of the way, have a good night everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N) The only thing I can really say before I send you into Chapter 3 is you know when you're working on something but it just doesn't quite feel right and you can't put your finger on why and when you finally figure it out everything just clicks and it's like this heavenly euphoric feeling? That was this chapter for me. I don't really know how long I've been working on it, but since the last update, I've spent a few minutes every day trying to figure it out, and this is juuuust right. I love it because what it will imply for later chapters, both long term and short term. Enjoy the new update Wholesome Hosts!**

Chapter 3

Theo could see why the government wouldn't let him host a monster girl, because one hour into Dagny's stay and he was already trying to figure out how to get her in bed. He tried to resist her, he really did, and that worked for all of three seconds, but things only got worse with every passing minute. It wasn't until her second day in the household when Theo knew he was truly boned- pun very intended.

"God is testing me right now," Theo told himself, eating a raw potato as he watched Dagny happily slither around the house. It was a simply shaped building, being only a living room, attached kitchen and a hallway, but seeing her sprint through that circle thirteen times like a kitten on meth was dizzying, but that much wasn't an issue for him as much as her bouncing chest was. If watching her excitedly memorize every inch of the walls gave him a headache, his eyes following those giant things was going to make them roll in the back of his head. That and make the sword in his pants grow strong enough to cut diamonds. Eating the raw potato made dealing with that easier. The cold, dead root was positively disgusting if it wasn't cooked. It was a perfect distraction.

"Your home is amazing!" Dagny said to him, bouncing over one couch to slam down on his lap and wrap her arms and tail around every inch of him.

"It's just your average American house," he said, his voice muffled against Dagny's breasts and his arms clinched to his sides. Now, he loved physical contact so much that he would happily lie down with someone in his arms for hours at a time if he had the opportunity, but if a political incident and life in prison were on the line, he would have to approach the situation with a bit more tact than he normally would.

"I know but its the first one I've ever been in that wasn't a community hall or government building because the program always had me moving but now I have a real home and a lovely human to take care of me and I can't believe I'm actually staying here with you and ack!" Dagny's run on sentence deteriorated into a violent squeal and then she took a satisfied breath and buried her mess of red hair into the crook of Theo's neck.

"Wait, did you say take care of you?" Theo asked, but it appeared as if Dagny had worn herself out and passed out on his lap.

Strangely enough, her tail wasn't wrapped around him too tightly, definitely not tight enough to dislocate his arm like what had happened to Kurusu with Miia, so it wasn't too difficult to maneuver around her. It was clear he wasn't going to be able to get away from her though. Even if he could have snaked his way out of her body, he wasn't going to try too hard to do so, and only bothered to wrap his arms around her waist and wait until she woke up.

After all, quite clearly he was trapped! And he wouldn't want to hurt her by standing up, would he?

Three seconds. Three seconds was all it took for him to stop trying to be aloof and mild mannered before he had to get his hands on her. At the very least, he managed well enough to ignore her two nuclear bombs on her chest pressing against his body.

Several hours later and another issue occured at dinner. Theo liked to think he was a good cook, not because he loved being in the kitchen, but because he just wanted his food to taste good and that gave him just the motivation he needed to go above the call to just heat up some ramen, and prepare a dish that would make his mother proud. However, his process was the stuff of nightmares. There are cartoon versions of this sizzling apocalypse that have been staples in the animation community for decades that wouldn't hold a candle to his foodie dystopia. Fictional characters would set fire to the building, throw rice and sauce onto the walls like blank canvas, and almost always create a masterpiece once the dust had cleared, and Theo was this trope manifested into the real world as the comparison wasn't any exaggeration for him. The original creators of those screens would bow down and worship him if only to see this juicy theater for only a moment.

All he was doing tonight was making a burger for himself and a breaded chicken sandwich for his new housemate, and yet somehow he managed to splatter flour against his apron, eggs on the floor, and he wasn't sure what that sauce on the ceiling was, yet it was sticking and starting to sizzle so he wasn't sure he wanted to figure it out. How did he even get it that color?

Cooking was way too exciting for him. He splashed oil in the pan and watched the flames nearly set off the smoke alarm. He grinned like a pure blooded demon when the chicken screamed against the pan. A classical score roared through his mind, an operatic aria of power and darkness fueling every spice he threw into the dish, and every single time he knew he did something right, maybe using just the right amount of garlic in just the right way, he would roar through his victory.

"It smells good, but you're scaring me," came a voice from the living room.

"You say that now, but wait until- why are you topless?!" Theo gasped, getting distracted almost long enough to miss his opportunity to flip his burger. Merely glimpsing at Dagny gave him a clear shot of her glorious breasts flopping over her crossed arms as she leaned against the wall between the kitchen and living room. The only thing she was wearing was a black skirt made of the same material as running shorts and a hair tie keeping her hair in ponytail. At first, a sly and flirty smile was at her lips, but Theo shouting at her, naturally, put her on edge.

"I never wear a top when I train!" she defended. He remembered that she disappeared for a while when he went to cook dinner, but he didn't know why.

"What training?!" he said, lacing his question with just as much energy as before.

"Chinese martial arts!" Dagny clarified. So, she was a fighter too? Giving her a once over, Theo could tell she had been training for a long time judging by how fit her body was, but if that were the case, she should know better.

"Sports bras!"

"They're too constricting!"

"Kendo bindings!"

"They fall apart!"

"How hard do you even train that that happens?!"

Dagny didn't respond right away to that one. Instead, she tilted her head at him and glared at him for almost a full minute with narrowed eyes, not bothering to cover herself up. Timidly, Theo broke eye contact and began to plate his dishes. He pissed her off. He was sure he had. For how chaotic the show had been, and for how much of a radioactive landfill the kitchen had become, the final product actually looked kind of good. It was only when he brought those plates to the table when Dagny spoke next.

"Would it make you feel better if I put on a shirt?" she asked accommodatingly.

"Here, use mine," Theo said before he could stop himself, and ripped off his tee and threw it at her. She caught it easily- with her face -but rushed to get it out of the way so she could stare at Theo's abs, biting her lip and licking up the drool that was dripping down her chin. It was purely instinctive for him to do that. He didn't want to inconvenience her too much by making her go upstairs to change, so without giving it any thought, he decided to help her out at least that much. Dagny stared at him for a long time before he realized what he had just done.

It took three seconds before he got his hands on her. It only took another three hours before he was able to see her mostly naked, and make the situation even worse by joining her in that freedom. Needless to say, he grabbed another potato. The next morning was easily the best and worst part of Theo's foolish attempts to try to resist boiling Dagny's cabbage.

He woke up like normal. He had decided the night before to take this morning off due to stress, so it was somewhere between seven and seven thirty before his body's natural rhythm woke him up. Normally, he'd have his arms wrapped around his pillow with the blanket tangled in between his legs, but somehow through his grogginess, he could feel that something wasn't quite right. The blanket seemed too long, too cold, and not at all like the synthetic fibers he was familiar with as it tangled its way in between his legs, and his pillow seemed like it was holding him just as tightly as he was holding it. What was that smell? Day old perfume? And what was this warm, soft mound that his face was buried into.

"Mmm…" there was some kind of sound reverberating around him. It was unfamiliar. It shot through him hard enough that his adrenaline spiked, making him take a quick stock of the situation until he knew what was going on.

"Tits?" were the first thing he noticed, and said the discovery aloud. After years of a sinful internet history, he knew beyond any doubt what man's greatest dream looked and felt like, even if he couldn't directly see them. The next were the slender arms fastened around his neck, the elegant fingers running themselves through his hair, and that shapely and graceful tail he had come to admire tying itself so complexly around his legs that he couldn't tell where his limbs began and her's ended.

Theo briefly considered waking Dagny up. Briefly. At this point, though, he knew there was no escaping his predetermined fate, and completely gave up trying to resist her. "I should really get her out of bed," he thought to himself, and his arms slinked their way around Dagny's waist while he nuzzled his way into her chest.

As Theo slowly began to loosen up, his mind began to drift in and out of consciousness in the dreamless state of suspended animation, he started to realize just how touch starved he was. Day in and day out, he was training. His body had built itself into a machine meant for the octagon. Every muscle and every tendon was ready for a fight. Every morning was spent weight training and technique practice and every afternoon was meant for sparring, and with the only affection he experienced on a regular basis being a quick peck on the forehead from his mom, he had forgotten what true, physical comfort felt like. Every muscle was ready for a fight. This type of contact, though, the gentle way Dagny touched him and snuggled up against him was… nice. At first, he wasn't sure how to respond to it. Instinctively, his body tensed up like he was going to throw Dagny over his shoulder, but when he finally figured out that he was in no danger, he began drifting away. The longer he stayed with her, the more peacefully he was able to sleep.

"Darling?" she asked him, noticing how tightly he was holding her.

"Five more minutes?" he pleaded, "Please?"

Dangy considered this for a second, hearing the crack in his voice. He had looked so cool and in command only the day before, and now he looked almost submissive, and very sad. What had happened? Pushing it out of her head for the moment, she tightened her grip around her host and snuggled up with him, pulling the blanket over their bodies.

Theo was warm. Unnaturally warm. It felt like his body was three degrees hotter than it should have been, and eventually, being under the blanket was stifling for her, so Dagny pushed it down a bit, but continued to slide her tail up and down him. It was like he was a space heater, or a spot of sun that beams through the window, and she was a cat that had to curl up underneath it to enjoy the heat. He was just the right temperature for her to be comfortable as long as the duvet didn't suffocate her and the only she could do was sidle into him further. She could cuddle with him like that for hours. To be fair, for all she knew, she had probably been in his bed all night thanks to that pesky sleepwalking habit of hers.

"Don't think this has anything to do with you," Theo suddenly spoke up, "But I need to use the bathroom."

"Aww, but I'm so comfortable," Dagny whined, but relented and let go of him. Instead of climbing over her, however, it was more like Theo slid his body across her own as if he wasn't ready to pull himself away from her.

"Believe me, I'd much rather cuddle with you but the bladder demands attention," he admitted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and stumbling as he stood up, unaware about what kind of remark he had just made about snuggling with her.

Giggling, Dagny watched him retreat out of the room. There was a word for people like him, she knew. He was mysterious yet passionate. Calm yet powerfully energetic. He was intense sometimes but at others, like now, he was childish. Sexy, yet adorable. That word she was looking for was right on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't quite figure it out. Ambiguous? Shrugging off the thought, a mischievous idea came to her mind, alongside an evil grin, and she got up to snoop around his room to see if she could find something embarrassing. It was a mean thing to do, she knew, but still. If she was quick about it, Theo wouldn't know a thing.

Meanwhile, in the time between leaving the bedroom and heading towards the toilet, Theo was frantically rummaging downstairs for another raw potato.

"Jesus Christ!" he cursed his luck, "With Dagny here every morning is going to be like Yellowstone National Park at sunrise- nothing but morning wood!"

After finding one and starting to nibble, he went to the bathroom and stayed there for several minutes, waiting for his mind to calm down. Dagny was a cold blooded creature. Her skin was always cold and unnervingly smooth, but as he sat on the toilet seat, staring into the magenta colored wall while slowly devouring his sudden breakfast, his body was burning with a flame he knew all too well. How long would it take before he ended up in prison? Three, maybe four weeks? No, he needed to be honest with himself. It would probably be three or four hours. The law be damned. Even though he was more into spiders, he needed to have her. The stuff she could probably do with that tail…

As that satisfying thought crossed his mind, Theo finished off his safety blanket and trudged his way back to his room, running his hand through his bed head while thinking why he was so adamant about getting into this position from the start. He knew he was very weak willed. His computer was testament to that fact and the ICEP was able to see that immediately, so why had he applied in the first place since it was obvious something was going to happen to him? Agent Nanu probably saw that in him when Dagny was insistent on moving in with him, and that's most likely why she treats him with so much hostility. If and when something happened, he didn't think anyone would question that mating with the girl wasn't the first thing on his mind.

Nevertheless, he couldn't keep spending money on spuds. Maybe giving into his desires was the best thing for both of them. Regardless of that, though, he knew he would still need to be respectful of her and his wishes. The minute she said no, he would have to stop. Not only did he care about her mental well being and safety, as well as the harmony of the household, he also knew that he would be a very popular individual in prison if she decided to report him to Nanu. Beyond that, though, her happiness was important to him and he would never betray her trust just to satisfy his libido.

However, he was pulled from his train of thought when he reached for the doorknob to his room and heard something coming from the other side. It was hushed, almost muted. He thought he could hear a video playing but couldn't make out its content and just a bit louder than that, he thought he could hear Dagny grunting? There was also some kind of squishing? Now way, was she doing what he thought she was? Theo had to peek inside to see what was up.

"Oh my God!" he sputtered, kicking the door open, "I just bought that chair!"

"It's not what it looks like!" Dagny defended immediately, pulling her hand away from her waist and trying to cover herself up with the blanket.

"Why would you do this in my room?! I mean I just stepped out for a second to piss! How long did you think you have?!"

"I'm sorry!" Dagny whined and howled, even if Theo blatantly wasn't mad, covering his eyes and sniggering wildly.

"Am I really that much of a turn on for you? You couldn't wait like five minutes?" he giggled.

"I may have dug through your search history and um… I got kind of into it." Dagny chuckled nervously, burying her fist under her chin as she broke eye contact.

"In the name of God and all that is holy," Theo cursed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Hey! You left your computer open so it wasn't password protected!" Dagny defended.

"I mean, you're right," Theo agreed, "But I'm more amused that you're into the same stuff I am." He nodded to the screen where a video was still playing involving a video game character from a popular jiggle physics fighting game and four demons of all shapes and sizes that were cornering her in a science lab. Dagny immediately hit the power button on the monitor and glared at her host. Standing on her tail and slithering over to him, towering over him at almost ten feet, she loomed over him with her arms crossed and her naked body exposed to the world.

"And just what are you going to do knowing that I am?" she threatened. Theo thought for a moment. Apparently Dagny becomes dangerous when she feels like her privacy has been violated, and frankly, he couldn't blame her for that even if he still couldn't take her seriously.

"I'm going to do this-" Theo threw wrapped the duvet over her shoulders "-then this-" he pulled her lower to the ground, tilted her forehead to his and nuzzled her gently "-and now I'm going to buy eight bushels of root vegetables."

Dagny blinked at him at few times, completely flustered that he wasn't even fazed by her theatrics, pulling the blanket around her more as if she were being hugged. Not only that but what he did with his forehead? That satisfied Dagny's lust for him even more than a kiss would have!

"So… you're not going to report me to Agent Maleek?" she asked timidly, shrinking in on herself. Theo gave her a once over while buttoning up his jeans, seeing how cute she was with that pitiful look on her sweet cheeks, curling into his blanket, and resolved to buy an extra two bushels before smirking coyly at her and turning his back on her to dig through his closet.

"Why would I?" he asked genuinely, "No, seriously. What reason do I have to report you? You were taking care of something quite important and I happened to walk in on you. It's not like you were doing anything wrong." Settling on an Aerosmith band tee, he turned to his charge.

Dagny squeaked, then slipped her way back to the bed, burying herself under the covers to hide herself. If her digging through his computer didn't bother him, she wasn't going to question, or maybe he just didn't realize that she was going through his private files, and if that were the case, she wasn't about to bring it up. Theo shook his head and started heading for the door again, but turned to face her one more time.

"Can I ask you a question, Milady?" he intoned cautiously. Dagny's heart warmed at that nickname.

"What do you need to know, Captain?" she said the first thing that came to her mind, and that cheesy grin told her Theo enjoyed it.

"So, I've noticed that you don't wrap yourself around me very tightly, and I know a few other hosts who are boarding lamias and they all say that your species constricts like a lot of other snakes. I was wondering why you're so gentle."

Dagny closed her eyes and folded her hands in front of her mouth, taking a deep breath, making Theo panic. How did he offend her? Taking a deep breath, she slowly answered this question.

"It's because I'm not a lamia," she answered, making Theo's eyes shoot wide in shock and trying not to slap him through the door with the body part he mentioned, "I'm an echidna. You're right about lamias using their tail to constrict their prey so they can either eat or rape them, but echidna's have a strong neurotoxin like the venom in a black mamba or a copperhead for the same reason. We even have fangs, see?"

Dagny opened her mouth, tilted her head back, and pointed inside. Theo could see the skin around where her top and bottom lips connected break apart as her jaw unhinged only slightly to get him a better look down her throat, and sure enough, a pair of long and slender teeth flipped outwards and dripped onto her chin. After a second, she closed her mouth and smiled at him. Was it wrong that Theo was even more turned on now?

"The more I learn about liminals, the happier I am we didn't go to war when you first revealed yourselves to the public," he decided, "I'm pretty sure you'd win." Dagny smirked.

"Just go buy your heroine would you? We'll talk when you get back," she dismissed him.

"I'm buying potatoes," Theo clarified, "You know? Your country's most holy relic, and all?"

"Is there really a difference for you?" Dagny asked, "Pretty much any time I see you, you're eating one, and raw as a matter of fact. Speaking of, what is wrong with you?" Theo gave her a caustic grin.

"You've seen my search history. You should know that potatoes are the least of my problems."

(...)

Theo was at his wits end, but not for the reasons someone might expect. It was only the second day Dagny had been living with him, and it didn't take long for his libido to die down and be replaced with raw frustration and a desire to learn how to tie a noose to the solar panels on the roof of his house if the roof would even survive long enough for him to do so. She was sexy as hell, making even succubi view her jealously, but he really didn't need her trying to destroy the building.

To repay his kindness, Dagny got the bright idea to try and clean the house. She found the pine sun, the lemon pledge-of-allegiance, and every floor cleaner she could find, filled up a bucket with all of these and began scrubbing the wood floors with all the fury of a maid trying to earn a raise that didn't involve sleeping with the master. Then Theo walked in. He walked into the house and the two full paper bags of groceries he had collected flew into the air as he slipped and fell onto his back. The wind knocked out of him, his roommate dashed over to him to check if he was alright.

"Dagny," he said slowly, deep intent lying heavily in his voice as black spots swam through his vision, "You know I love you, but why is my foyer slip and slide Jerusalem?"

"I…" she gulped, "Tried cleaning your floors. What did I do wrong?"

"I'm assuming you mixed too many cleaners," Theo groaned, pulling himself up, "You only need a cap full of pine sun in half a bucket if you want to mop. What really astounds me though is how you managed to make certain spots slippery, but others so sticky that I'm having trouble picking my feet up." Theo was trying to pick up the groceries he had dropped, but was having trouble figuring out when to grab the wall or a couch to keep his balance and when to be careful to not let the rubber of his shoes peel off onto the hard wall.

"I'm sorry!" Dagny whimpered, but then perked up at her other plan, her smile returning, "But I know I got the laundry right!"

Theo looked at her blankly, as expressionless as a hunk of rock before turning and silently heading towards the garage where the washer and dryer were. Despite her confident claim, Dagny was reluctant to follow him. When she found him again, he was rubbing his forehead firmly like he was trying to rub dirt off of it, and she could see why. She flooded the garage with bubbles.

"Did you use fabric softener or detergent to wash them?" he asked simply.

"There's a difference?" Dagny asked tightly, too appalled to even blink as she stiffly got the words out.

"Anything else I should be aware of?" Theo asked after a heavy sigh.

"No! Nope! Nothing! Nothing at all. I assure you that there is nothing else that I have messed up. There is nothing you need to worry about. Nothing at all," she said quickly. Theo narrowed his eyes at her, giving her a disbelieving look because no one says the exact same thing five times rapid fire unless the complete opposite were true. Relenting, Dagny looked to the ground and fiddled with her fingers. "I may have killed your vacuum. I tried to clean the carpets but I picked up a bunch of pebbles that had tracked in and it started sparking…"

She was positive Theo would be mad. She was so convinced that Theo was going to start yelling at her and most likely kick her out that she was already planning out how she was going to introduce herself to her next family and how to explain why she was kicked out of her previous homestay, so Theo breaking down in violent fits of laughter terrified her. It wasn't just a chuckle, either. It wasn't even that type of manic cackle that some people only do when they've become so mad that they're mind completely breaks. Instead, it was a full and hearty gut laugh. He was even wiping his eyes because tears began falling down his cheeks at how hilarious he must have found her screw ups. Actually, it kind of offended her, but she knew she deserved it. Before he had finished and caught his breath, he brought her into a hug and shook as his chortling died down to a few small giggles, his chest bouncing against hers and Dagny hesitantly snuck her arms around his waist before finally caving and laughing with him.

"You are just… heckin adorable, you know that?" Theo managed to croak out.

"What do you mean?" Dagny mumbled into his ear.

"Did you think I'd be mad?"

"Of course I did!" Dagny giggled, "I poisoned your foyer, destroyed your vacuum cleaner and flooded your garage! Why wouldn't you be mad at me?" Even though she was relieved that Theo wasn't chewing her out, she was still pretty close to tears.

"Because you still tried," Theo said quietly, finally calming down and holding Dagny in a gentle embrace, partially to comfort her but more greedily to be close to her, "I don't know what made you want to, but you tried to do your part to take care of the house even though you had no idea what you were doing. I mean, you really had no clue. I mean, I've seen people screw up stuff like this all the time, but three things at once takes the cake!"

"Your point is?" Dagny asked desperately, her tail wrapping around her leg affectionately. Theo smiled widely and separated just enough to hold Dagny's cheeks.

"My point is that this is all stuff you can learn. I'm more than willing to teach you how to do this stuff. All you have to do is ask me. Not to mention that, if I condemned you for not knowing how to clean, I'd be a hypocrite." Theo pulled himself away from her, having to kick his way out of her grip, sloshed his way through the bubbles, and pulled a large tub with a hose attached to it out of the corner. "I can't tell you how long it took me to learn the difference between washing fluids. First time my mom pulled out the wet vac, I asked the exact same thing you did."

As if he done it a million times, and if he was to be taken literally he probably had, Theo plugged the wet vac into the wall, turned off the washer, and began scooping up the bubble swamp. Crossing her arms and watching him closely, Dagny shook her head, her smile as long as her fangs. This settled it. Theo was perfect.

"What in Ra's name happened here?" Dagny and Theo both screamed when they heard a third voice enter the room, "I haven't seen a mess like this since the original fall of Egypt."

"What are you doing here Nanu?" Theo said, his shoulders slumping exasperatedly, but then looking up when what she said processed, "Wait, can we go back a tick. I know this is a rude question and all so you'll have to forgive me, but how old are you exactly that you remember when the Old Kingdom of Egypt fell?" The agent tapped her chin with her staff as she thought about it.

"I think I was 22 when I died, but I was brought back to life when my tomb was raided during a Middle Kingdom war, then went back to sleep about a few centuries later and woke back up again in the fifties so… Oh, who cares? I've lost track anyway. If it helps you think about it, I predated Jesus by a few thousand years."

"Wait, you're not a vampire?" Dagny asked thoughtfully. Agent Maleek looked pissed when she heard that, her eyes looking even more soulless than before.

"I have a staff with an ankh attached to it and mummy wrappings!" she hissed, "Why in the world would you think I was a vampire?! No, I'm an undead pharaoh, obviously!"

"I'm learning so much today," Theo said, obliviously happy, but then coughed lightly to bring his attention to that matter at hand, "So, not that I'm not glad to see you or anything, but what are you doing here?"

Nanu grinned, remembering when she heard that exact phrase come out of his lips yesterday when they first officially met and beckoned them back inside the building. Commandingly, she gestured for them to sit down. Theo and Dagny were a little nervous now because, Agent Maleek had only ever been strict with them, and seeing seem so peachy was aggressively unsettling. The thing that really made them think they were in trouble though was the folder in her hand. Tenderly, she set the documents on the table, making Theo and Dagny shared a concerned look while Nanu walked over to the door and opened it.

Tension was replaced with fear as the agent politely stepped back to allow the newcomer inside. Four long and spindly legs covered in a thick and smooth white exoskeleton, black claws on the tips, curled their way around the doorframe. Their movements were slow and deliberate, being careful not to break anything behind the door as they bent inwards to reach further inside. If one of them had stretched out to its fullest length, it seemed like they would be longer than Theo was tall, and maybe more than half of Dagny's full snakey length.

They were creepy. Glancing over at Theo, Dagny wanted to see if he was just as terrified as she was, but he kept looking upon the eldritch display without a single crack in his austere facade until his brow furrowed thoughtfully. What was he thinking? However, this seed of doubt in Dagny was replaced with a violent sense of territorial dominance when the owner of the limbs, followed by four more of what had already been shown, entered the foyer, finally giving an answer as to what those crawlers belonged to. They were the eight legs of the spider liminal known as an arachne.

Theo still kept his cold look, emotionless and without any reaction. Dagny knew at this point that trying to figure out what he was thinking was a lost cause, and turned to face her new love rival who at entered the battle, sizing her up from bottom to top to see what she would be up against. Her spider half was long and low to the ground, each of her legs at least twice as long as her body. Looking at her in this light now that the front door had closed, her exoskeleton seemed more brown than white, and Dagny was curious if this girl could spin webs like other arachne or if the spinnerets under her waist were just for show.

Up top, though, was a bigger issue. Her waist was covered by a sharp and sparkly pencil skirt but that was torn up as if it had gone through a blender. Evidently, she loved the color black as the Halestorm band tee she was wearing shared the same shade, and on each wrist was a spiked dog collar that she wore on each wrist. Underneath one sleeve, Dagny thought she saw a tattoo but couldn't make out what it was. On her right hand, though, was a tattoo of an anchor with an anthropomorphic set of lips kissing an octopus that held it in its tentacles like a long lost lover, and the top of her left arm was covered in a half sleeve with a type of clockwork design that seemed like it was part of her skin. Whatever skin wasn't covered with ink had a light tan like she had been taken from a tropical island. Her hair, on the other hand, was black and had been teased to give it light curls, making Dagny think that if it was straightened, it would fall almost far enough to hit her spider body, and yet her face was the most intimidating part. Her brown eyes were large and round, covered in deep eyeliner, her lips were plump and pouty and so damn kissable that it made Dagny question her own sexuality for a moment, and her nose ended upturned at a small button, her eyebrows so sharp that they could slit Dagny's throat. She was beautiful.

"This is Malila! A brown recluse from the island nation of Hawaii," Nanu introduced, "And she's going to be your new roommate."

Dagny shot to her metaphorical feet and screamed in protest, shouting nothing but profanity at both of the women, but mostly to Nanu whose smile never fell. Malila, on the other hand, was unimpressed and pointedly ignored her as she sluggishly scuttled around the house, silently taking in the layout of the building. As for Theo, he was frozen solid. If anyone caught his eye, they might think that he was pondering over how to handle this situation, but what they couldn't hear underneath his silence was pure panic. He wasn't trying to figure out anything. The only thought that was going through his mind was a purely simple one that anyone who knew him personally would be able to agree with.

Dagny was bad enough but with Malila's arrival, he was quite truly was screwed.

 **(A/N) So! With every reference to spiders and their no-no squares, did you really think I wasn't going to put in an arachne in the Beneventi household? Perhaps a less obvious question would be did you think I would do it so early in chapter 3, and only the day after Dagny had moved in with Theo? I hope it raises a few questions for you. For instance, why would Agent Maleek make a spider demihuman move in with someone who has pfft I don't know 1/3rd of their internet history dedicated to weird hentai of the species? Even if she had already planned on it, why did she make such an effort to do it so quickly? Besides that, what will this mean in future chapters since Theo has already dedicated himself to wedding and bedding Dagny? Regardless, I love how things are going to turn out now (evil author grin).**

 **That aside, I want to respond to reviews again!**

 **Ethan Weixel: Apparently my response to you didn't go through last time. I was blushing. Too damn much.**

 **Blaize83: Guess you're just going to have to wait and see! I'll tell you one thing, though. I like how Dagny specifically turned out.**

 **TheRangerBoy: I still think Issei is one of the greater harem leads. I don't really like Kazuma too much for no other reason than that he's a parody of normal harem leads, but I know that's kind of unfair. Nevertheless, he still has some better interactions with his harems than most others.**

 **BOI: My man ^_^**

 **Echelon9: Congratulations! You just earned yourself a new reader! Also, I tried to do better with the flashbacks and dialogue in this chapter, but… well, practice makes perfect, as they say. You definitely brought up a good point that I'm going to watch from now on. The thing about italics and asterisks, though, makes me a tad uncomfortable since I want my readers to try to gather what's going on through context clues, but if one person is confused by them, than that means a lot of other people will be as well, so it is something I need to improve on. Thanks for the advice! Also, I'll admit, I was an idiot and forgot to specifically state what species Nanu was, but it also made for a good interaction in this chapter so… meh? I guess it worked out for the best?**

 **Hakon2feb: FRIEND-O! It is good to hear from my most frequent and analytical reviewer from the first manuscript, and hearing your intent praise on this is so satisfying! I want to respond more to chapter 2 review than your first one, so listen up!**

 **I took a lot of what you said in your reviews for the original manuscript into account for this one, and I'm sure you've picked up on one or two of them. The one about Miia not wearing bras but where I contradicted myself since she was a martial artist even brought up an entire scene for this chapter! That said, this novel has always been about wedding and bedding the girls in the household, so Theo wasn't going to resist them forever. That said, I decided that instead of dragging out his resistance for a few chapters wouldn't be the best idea, but making him and Dagny hook up right away seemed a little… self insert-y? So, since I needed him to make a move but also need the sexual tension for plot reasons, as well as too many others that will be revealed as the story goes on, introducing Malila seemed like the best option.**

 **Sadly, I can't say much more on that. I've always been big on the idea that a fanfiction that goes through updates should be treated the same way as a novel so not every minute detail or plot device should be thrown into the same chapter, and also that everything within the story should stand alone without the intervention of the author, so if anything dissatisfied you or anyone else reading this, keep in mind that character development is a thing. Just keep reading!**

 **Ethan Weixel: Yus ^.^**

 **T-B-R: :Yay :3**


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N) First of all, I'm not even going to apologize for how long I've been away. After trying my damndest to keep to something akin to a semi regular update schedule, there is no excuse I can make as to why I went nearly a full year without update my three most popular stories. If nothing else, I respect you guys too much not to let you know why I was gone for so long.**

 **The first problem was a car crash that taking care of took up most of my time for awhile, and then after that, I had major computer issues which resulted in me having to buy a new laptop after only having the one I did for eight months. The thing crashed, burned, and all I can tell you guys is that I'm never buying another ASUS laptop. I'll stick with HP since I know that works. After that, there were some… major life events that needed to be taken care of. The wreck and laptop aside, I had to take almost an entire year off to fix what had broken, and I have to thank each and everyone of you for your patience until things got better.**

 **On a related note, for those of you who also follow** ** _The Life the Girls of Monster Musume Deserve_** **and confused why I didn't update my main story for three weeks, that's because my nieces and nephews (WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER) accidentally smashed THIS laptop and I had no way of writing until I got it fixed. It was a pain. I had just started posting again and then I had no medium to post with.**

 **Once again, thank you all for your patience with these updates. If any of you are following my RWBY story** ** _The War of Onyx and Aber: Secret of the Silver Eyes_** **, I'm also working out a few updates for that one, so keep an eye out. Enjoy this chapter Wholesome Hosts. It's been a long time coming. Oh! And if any of you are interested, I'm going to leave an explanation as to what happened with my ASUS since it's a really interesting story that will piss a lot of you off as much as it did me.**

Chapter 4

"Pardon my language, you know I don't say this very often, but you're boned," said the man on the other side of the screen. Theo finished off his morning whiskey, a bad habit that he might get into sooner or later given recent events , and smiled sagely at his friend.

"Oh, you don't say? What was your first guess?" he asked, sarcasm heavy in his voice.

"The echidna honestly," Greg laughed, his terrible teeth from years of smoking flashing at him as bold as possible from the poor quality of their video chat, "But I can see why Malila would cross a line."

Theo counted himself lucky that his friends held no shame in the way they spoke with him. He could talk to them about anything, no matter how sick or depraved, and knew that he would face no judgement unless it was either ironic or hilarious. Their friendship was stronger than most because of it. In fact, it was because of their no-such-thing-as-taboo dialogue that Damon knew all about Theo's lust for hot spider bods, and why Malila would set him on edge.

"So, how long before you turn belly to belly?" Damon followed up, smiling obnoxiously. Theo tilted his head with narrowed eyes.

"Dude, you know I don't like you talking about my friends that way," he told him tiredly. He nodded out of apology, his smile falling.

"All I'm saying is that your life is a bad harem anime," he explained calmly, "You were always the one who could get any girl he wanted. If these two haven't already fallen for you, then I give it a fortnight before they try to make a move on you."

"I really have no idea what you're talking about," Theo grumbled. Damon theatrically put on the most dumbfounded look like he just found a skunk scented perfume, and then spoke with the harshest, highest pitched voice he could manage.

"Really? You don't remember Sisi? Bebe? What about Aidyn, Annie, or Bella?" Chris listed off. Theo snapped finger guns at him with a dead look in his eyes, smiling widely but void of all humor.

"Hey, stop talking!" he pleaded happily.

"Fine," the boy sighed, "But my point is, if these girls end up trying to play nug-a-nug, what are you going to do? You know interspecies relationships are illegal."

"Boy, please. Everything's legal if you don't get caught," Theo said cockily, eyeballing his friend's homestay, an inari with golden hair as bright as the fur on her fox tails, that just walked on screen in the background, all six tails poking freely from underneath a white button down.

"How foolish of me," Damon said flatly, "But let's say something actually happens. How do you think the girl you don't choose is going to react? Or if something happens with both of them, do you think you'd be able to manage two girls at once while at the same time trying to avoid the ICEP? It's not something everyone can do. Last I checked, there were two hundred host families every year getting arrested just for this one issue."

"Don't get me wrong, Friend-o. You do make plenty of good points," Theo admitted, "But maybe I'd pay more attention to what you'd have to say if Marianne wasn't wearing nothing but your shirt right now." The fox girl glanced up from drinking milk out of the carton at hearing her name and waved happily at her "uncle Theo." Damon rolled his eyes and reached for the screen of his laptop.

"OK bye!" he shouted, and just like that, the screen went dark.

Theo sighed and leaned back in his chair, the joints creaking with the heavy motion as he relaxed into the soft leather and kicked his feet up on his desk. Everything Damon said was true. Without even meeting Dagny or Malila, he could already tell Theo was planning on playing tangle toes with both of them, or at least wouldn't pass up the opportunity if it presented itself. There was no point in trying to deny that much, either. The problem was that Theo didn't want to go to jail. Sure, only yesterday his desire for hot scaley love overpowered his fear of the iron cage, but that was mostly due to the lack of potential witnesses.

Attraction was weird, wasn't it? He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't attracted to Dagny right from the start, but after spending only one day with her, he found himself wanting to be around her for more emotional reasons than perverted ones.

Or both. Most likely both.

As far as he knew, the only appeal he had for her was for her body since every interaction they had with each other had been tense at best and a disaster at worst; nothing romantic. At best, their first meeting was cute. Theo clearly made a strong enough impression on Dagny to make her want to move in with him.

He wasn't getting anywhere with this thought process. Shaking his head, Theo took a deep breath and reevaluated his situation, turning his attention back to what he knew for sure instead of guessing. It was blatantly clear to him that both his mind and body viewed Malila in a different way than they viewed Dagny. Whenever Theo pictured Dagny in his mind, he felt warmth and safety, like the very idea of her brought the comfort of home to him, bringing a smile to his face. When he thought about what he wanted to do to her, it involved him holding her gently, letting his lips lightly brush against her own before pulling her to the bed and then holding her all night long. Among other things. When Malila crossed his mind, things weren't nearly as sensual. He wanted to pull her head to him by the choker around her neck, forcefully press his lips to hers as she laced her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer before throwing him on the bed as she had her way with him.

With one girl, there was a carnal, primal sexuality, and with the other, there was a gentle, sensual romance.

There was something else, though. Other than the fact that he wanted to dominate one and be dominated by the other, which was odd enough on its own, it was that there was something about Dagny he couldn't quite place. He wanted to be close to her. Then again, water is wet and they were all breathing air, but Theo's desire to be near her wasn't entirely lecherous. Frankly, he would be content cuddling with her all night like he had done a few days ago.

Apparently he has interests other than beard splitting. Good for him. The only question was why?

There was only one thing that was bugging him at this point, but it wasn't that his feelings for the girls weren't clear or the potential international incident and life in federal prison he might cause. Even Malila unintentionally twatswatting him wasn't bugging him like this. No, it was the fact that all it took for his feelings for Dagny to go from "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" to "please marry me and have my children" was spending two whole days in the same house. It was ridiculous.

Regardless, he knew what he was going to do. Chances were nothing was going to happen between him and either of the girls, not because there was always going to be someone in the house to prevent it, but because they were just out of his league. This wasn't even why they came to the States. Right now, they needed a host to help them acclimate to human society, a friend at the very best, not a boyfriend or a lover.

He slapped his face a few times. He had to remind himself that his own desires weren't as important as trying to make sure the girls were happy. Sure, if the two motivations ever coincided, then he would be sure to give them what they wanted, and it wasn't like their happiness wasn't his first priority anyway, but the fact that he was too blinded by lust previously to understand as much ticked him off. Regardless, now that he knew as much, he could figure out a plan to make that happen. Now that he found his resolve, he was ready.

"Theo?" called a timid voice, accompanied by a few knocks on his door.

"Hm? Come in," he answered, sitting up in his chair. His breath caught in his throat when Malila stepped out from behind the door, scuttling into his room slowly, but he tried to hide it. She had changed her clothes to black crop top accented by a line of tassels attached to a white embroidered collar, and a bright blue denim skirt with a black belt. Looking her outfit over, it wasn't bad.

"I wanted to thank you for letting me stay here," she said politely, dipping forward on her spider half as her human half bent over, bowing to her host, "I hope I don't become too much of a burden to you over the next year."

Theo raised his eyebrow at her. Putting everything else aside, this behavior she was showing him at the moment was kind of unsettling. As long as he had been a martial artist, sparring with several people, and learning what makes people tick through combat, he had gained the ability to pick out the most subtle cues on someone's body language. Malila was way too tense. The shaky rise and fall of their voice and tightness behind her eyes was all too obvious to him, so he could tell that this level of civility wasn't coming naturally to her.

And if he wanted to have any kind of Irish marathon with her, he wanted her to feel comfortable around him.

"OK! Stop _that_ ," he said shortly, turning his chair to face her and leaning forward pointedly. Malila looked up nervously.

"Excuse me?" she asked, biting her lip.

"This whole polite thing you're doing," Theo declared, furrowing his brow, "I understand that you don't want to offend me and all since this is my house you're staying in and you feel like a guest or something, but do you really think I can't see how uncomfortable you look? Quite frankly, the mask you're putting on right now is freaking me out." He smiled softly. "Just relax, will you? I won't bite. Not much, anyway."

Malila watched him for a moment. She was trying to read his expression carefully, to see if there was any hint of deception that humans were so famous for and if he was trying to get her off guard so he could take advantage of her in some way, watching him enough that he might have felt a bit awkward under her sharp look. He seemed way too nice and that smirk of his after that last slightly vulgar comment of his was peculiar, and not just because she was a spider. Maybe she should just give him the benefit of the doubt? Rolling her eyes, she smiled and returned to her full height, casually crossing her arms.

"You better not bite me. I'm pretty sure that's my job," she said after relaxing just a bit, accenting her line with a flirty bite in Theo's direction, twirling her spinnerets with the motion. Theo arched his brow at her and smirked.

"Well, aren't you cheeky?" he laughed, and when the humor faded, his smile went with it, "Malila, I just want to make sure you're comfortable here. I know it takes some time to get used to a new place like this, so if you have any concerns, or if I can do anything to make things easier for you, don't even hesitate to let me know. Seriously, you're going to be living here for a year, so as far as I'm concerned, you're family and you shouldn't feel like you're a guest. It's your home, too, you know?" Malila nodded, giving another unnecessarily long pause as she thought over his words before scuttling across the room and placing herself on the bed.

"Alright, you know what will make me happier?" she started, her voice naturally stern.

"I will when you explain it to me," Theo said casually.

"Stop looking at me like you want to bang," she replied coolly. Theo nearly fell out of his chair.

"You uh… you um… So, you saw that, yeah?" Theo stuttered.

"From the moment I walked in, and I'm pretty sure Dagny saw it, too." Malila had a dangerous look in her eye as she slowly crawled over to where Theo was sitting, lightly placing her fingers under his chin to dip his head up to her, leaning down with her lips unnervingly close to his, "Although, you are pretty cute. If you do as I say and keep it in your pants while I'm around, I might just have to steal you from her."

 _How am I supposed to respond to this?! Abort, abort, abort!_ Theo shouted in his mind. If anyone else of any other species had done this, something would have happened, but with her spinnerets brushing up against his belt which was a bit too shy at the moment, he understood what having an aneurysm must feel like like. He was frozen, way too turned on to even process the situation, let alone take action.

"If you keep grinding against me like this," Theo's voice cracked, so he cleared his throat before continuing, "You can't blame me if something ends up happening."

All he could was say something, anything, he didn't care what it was as long as he said with confidence. He didn't know if that would work, but come on. Under that kind of pressure, having come up with anything was a miracle in and of itself. He wasn't all that worried about her reaction. However, when Malila's smile was replaced with a panic that rivaled his and she jumped away from him, he thought he had scared her somehow, or otherwise ruined everything. An uncomfortable smile split her burning red face alongside a quivering laugh, fanning her face like a 1950's southern bell.

"Don't even joke about that! Moron! Pervert!" Malila scolded him.

"Um… But… You just… What?" Theo stammered.

"I'll see you downstairs, OK?" Malila took a few deep but quick breaths before running out of the room.

"What just happened?" Theo asked himself. Sighing, he shook his head, trying to push the thought out of his mind. He could think it over in the ten minutes it would take for him to lower his "heart rate" before meeting her and Dagny for their social studies field trip.

Or at this point, he should really call it an adequate test of will.

(...)

Establishing dominance was never a bad thing if done correctly. A bit of a tease there, a some casual flirting over there, maybe a wink and a flip of her hair, and Dagny was positive she made it clear to Malila that Theo was hers and hers alone. Even so, she hadn't dropped the attitude yet. She insisted on throwing out crude, vulgar jokes, and would not stop touching the Captain, insistent on keeping her hands on him. She was challenging her. If she really thought she could break Dagny and Theo's relationship so easily, she didn't understand how strong it truly was.

Well, Dagny and Theo weren't really together yet, but Malila was still challenging that inevitable future. The whole day, she had stalked him from behind until she could pounce on him, or pulled his hand into hers, just so she could watch him squirm. She even went so far as to pull Theo's head between her boobs when she "hugged" him or trail one of her disgusting legs up his own to push him even further. Theo's enjoyment of it was the worst part. Dagny knew humans couldn't control their pheremones like liminals, but he didn't have to tell her to calm down when she got jealous!

However, there was something Dagny found kind of weird. Whenever he thought Malila was going too far, Theo would just give her a cheap one liner and she would curl away in embarrassment. His reluctance to accept her advances would make most women more comfortable, but not Dagny. For her, it only made things worse. The fact that Theo knew enough about Malila to make her submit to him only made her fall for him harder. On the other hand, who else but her Captain could dominate a beast so quickly?

They were supposed to be going to the aquarium, though. Her Captain had planned out the day, had bought the tickets and everything, but as soon as Malila learned that the local strip mall had a GameStart and a Spicy Topic, she couldn't be stopped. She just had to go visit them. Theo didn't seem too put off by it, but Dagny felt awful that her Captain's plans had demolished in just a split second.

Then, he put his arm around her waist and squeezed, giving her a small smile of reassurance. All she could was roll her eyes. While Malila was distracted looking at band tees, she took the chance to curl into his arms and wrap her tail around his legs briefly, but then went to join her new housemate for a quick chat.

Some people in this world have an odd ability to affect the entire room they're standing in just by existing in it. Their emotions seep into the walls and floors, their own will becomes that of the group their with, and a very common way to put it is when that person's smile lights up a room. When they were happy, everyone was happy. When they shed a tear, everyone could feel their chest tighten with sadness. Theo was one of those people. With nothing more than that almost inconsequential motion of him wrapping his arm around her waist, Dagny realized something about Malila that she hadn't previously. Perhaps she was being a bit unfair to her. Malila had only just arrived in the states and hardly knew anything about the country aside from what the ICEP had told them and what they could gather from the media. So, if she wanted to go see something, or do something she thought was fun, then why not let her? There would be other chances to go on a date with her Captain, after all.

Slithering up behind the arachne, Dagny tapped her carapace.

"Hm?" Malila turned to face the reptile, her eyes squinting suspiciously at the woman's nervous smile.

"Do you want to help me shop for something?" Dagny said, the corner of her mouth twitching with the effort to keep up her forced smile.

"Here?" Malila mused dubiously, raising her eyebrow in surprise. Goth and punk clothes, spikes and leather, didn't seem much like her style, and the novelty tees or band merch seemed like and even further conclusion.

"No, not here, somewhere else," Dagny clarified, fidgeting, brushing her hair out of her face violently as if trying to swat away a hurricane, "I want a girl's opinion since I don't think Theo could help with what I'm looking for."

Dagny wanted to find some kind of common ground with Malila, but if that was going to happen, she needed to get her out of her element and somewhere a bit more neutral. In her own territory, she held the advantage. Getting her off guard a little bit would put them on more equal footing so no one felt like they had any power over the other.

As for Malila, she was curious. A bit doubtful since, so far, the echidna had been exclusively hostile towards her and this seemed like some kind of ploy to get her away from Theo so she attack, no holds barred, but her desire to find out what this trap entailed outweighed her paranoia and she relented. Even if she was an echidna, she was a skinny little rat, and arachne were some of the most dangerous liminals out there. What harm could she do?

Turns out, plenty. Dagny looked like a twig in a ratty yellow dress, but she was deceptively strong, grabbing and nearly pulling Malila's arm out its socket to lead her away. She moved so quickly, that the spider wasn't able to pick up all eight of her legs before Dagny began pulling her to the other side of the mall, making for an awkward half scuttle to try to keep up with the much smaller and younger and supposedly weaker girl. She kind of felt bad for Theo. With someone like this trying to do a bit of business with him 24/7, he must been in constant pain. Her heart went out to him.

Then, she glanced over her shoulder and all that sympathy was replaced by raucous laughter. He was sprinting, trying to his hardest to keep up with them and making the ugliest face out of the willpower it took not to collapse from the exertion. At least he was clearly in shape if he could manage that much. Completely ignoring the two, and cutting off Malila's snorting laugh, Dagny pulled the pair into another boutique, but this one of a specific variety with a well deserved reputation for making people nervous.

She glanced sidelong at the girl standing next to her. The smile on her face was so bright, and she was so oblivious to how uncomfortable her arachne friend was that even if Malila wanted to run away, she wouldn't have been able to get it through that thick mane of red hair for Dagny to understand. Either way, she said she'd help the coquettish girl. She couldn't just rescind the offer at the last minute just because the walls were lined with lingerie "for all species."

It didn't take long for a sales clerk to come up to them and offer help, but both of the girls were surprised to see that this girl was taller than the both of them, even if they stood at their full height. She was wearing black skinny jeans with white fur poking out over cloven hooves, her sleeveless top being a green with darker leaves splashing around her F cup breasts, and two great horns sprouting from underneath her gloriously curled white hair. Her makeup was sharp and fierce. The nude color was applied with a practised hand acquired from what clearly came to years of experience, and both of the girls looked at her with both admiration and jealousy as her perky pink lips curled at the sight of them. She was gorgeous, fashionable, and Dagny and Malila both wanted to be her.

"She's a minotaur," Malila noticed.

"Welcome to Victoria's Secret! How may I help you?" she greeted with a sassy hand on her hips. She seemed so cheerful, like customer service was her biggest joy in life, so much so that her energy made both Malila and Dagny kind of uncomfortable, but then the smile dropped from her face all of a sudden. Her eyes trained themselves on something behind them. Looking over their shoulders, the girls saw Theo huddled up against the entryway, sweat staining his collar and unable to catch his breath, making it look like he was about to drop dead at any moment. No, comparing him to a corpse would be generous, he looked so bad. Turning back to the minotaur, a bright, excited smile wider than the one from before split her cheeks.

Then, out of nowhere, the minotaur called out his name and sprinted after him, picking him up in a terrifying bear hug that cracked his spine loud enough for the girls to hear it. She shook him around, laughing outrageously. Theo's eyes looked like they were rolling in the back of his head at the motion, and since he wasn't able to breath just a second ago, the vice probably wasn't doing him any favors, so he might have passed out from the lack of oxygen if the girl didn't drop him on his back.

"I haven't seen you in forever!" she giggled, grabbing his hands and swinging them.

"It's good to- OK calm down a bit- it's good to see you too- Dear, God Sierra! Stop!" Theo tried to cut in, but Sierra's energy was way too high to be subdued, swiping him along the floor like a fluttery dust mop.

"I can't help it! It's been- like -two whole years!" she claimed. Snapping his hands out of hers, Theo expertly jumped on his feet and slapped her forehead as hard as he could, much to the surprise of his homestays since he never seemed like the type of person who would hit a woman. Sierra squeaked and rubbed her head, looking back at him with a whimper. Once she had calmed down, however, a warm smile crossed his face, and now that his breath had more or less come back to him, he rubbed her head affectionately like a kind father looking after his child.

"You know it hasn't been that long. It's only been a couple months," he told her excitedly, his grin somewhat able to match Sierra's previous energy. Listening in, Malila and Dagny looked at each other curiously. Weren't they his first homestays?

"So, how are Mom and Dad?" Sierra asked.

"Fine," Theo said shortly, "They got an overseas assignment in Frosty Nips, Antarctica for the next year, so I'm sitting home by myself. Did you move into your new home OK? You're not still with the same people from last year, are you?"

"No, I had to end things early with them because their daughter and I didn't get along, so I'm with a middle aged couple right now. They seem pretty nice, but the husband keeps staring at me for some reason and it kind of makes me uncomfortable."

"I never liked that other family. They always seemed so pretentious like the world owed them everything, the rich jagoffs, but this new guy- Do I need to show him some of the ol' Beneventi Charm?" Theo cracked his knuckles and neck with a dangerous smirk. Dagny and Malila saw him shoot that look at their coordinator once or twice as if he was going to hurt her, but Sierra laughed at him like this was a joke.

"No, nothing like that. Plus, if he tries something, I'll just hit him over the head with a brick or something. That tends to be a good mood killer."

"Yeah, I remember!" Theo grinned and rubbed the back of his head.

Dagny and Malila simultaneously cleared their throats as loud as they could. They weren't trying to be rude, but they were being coldly ignored in favor of someone else, a liminal no less, who had some kind of friendly past with their host, so naturally they wanted answers. He turned to them, arching his brow in acknowledgement, then cringing when he realized they had just been sitting there the whole time.

"Sorry! Sorry," he politely apologized and gestured to the girl next to him, "Ladies, this is Sierra. She was my first homestay."

"Excuse me?!" Dagny sputtered, her tail shaking back and forth and knocking into more than a few displays which Theo apologized profusely for to Sierra and the rest of the staff. Gently, so he didn't spook her, he placed his hands on her shoulders and ran his palms down the exposed, freckly skin of her arms, that light touch of his sending shivers down her spine and freezing her in place immediately. She closed her eyes, embracing him with her tail but before she could get a good grip on him, he expertly stepped back and slipped away, smiling goofily. Dagny pouted at the loss of his touch. Well, they did have a problem to deal with, so maybe she could corner him later, and smirking devilishly at the mental image of crowding him against the wall with a line of drool coming down her mouth before wrapping herself around him and squeezing him half to death, she resolved herself to focus on one thing at a time.

Unaware of her thought process, Theo put a goofy grin on his face. Was that a weakness for her? The weak tickle that his hands gave her when he ran his hands along her skin? Theo made a mental note of that for later. If physical contact was her weakness, then that was one he could see himself maliciously abusing.

Malila just stared at the three blankly. She was wearing that same emotionless expression she gave Theo when they were talking in his room only a few hours ago, and when Theo caught her unblinking eyes, he couldn't hold back the unholy shiver that went down his spine. Maybe it was because of the context of their conversation that same morning, but he was really beginning to hate that look.

"Back when the Exchange Bill was first passed, the ICEP only did background checks on the person applying to the program instead of everyone who lived with them, so… well, Nanu told you why I didn't pass the evaluation this time, right?"

"Yep," Dagny said, not missing a beat, remembering what she saw on his computer.

"I heard something about that," Malila spoke up.

"Wait, you didn't?" said Sierra.

Theo turned to her with an incredulous look.

"Actually, I don't know why I even asked," she decided, nodding and slightly embarrassed. Theo took a deep breath and continued.

"So, my parents both applied to the program, and since they both passed and the ICEP didn't even bother checking me out, Sierra ended up staying with us for a year," he finished up with a smile, but then turned to the woman in question, "Speaking of, how come you never reapplied to stay with us after the first year was up? You loved us! Why did you leave? Do you hate us?" Theo made a show of his bottom lip puttering to pretend he was hurt and offended, and Sierra fell for it hard.

"No, I just wanted to go around and meet some more people! I love you, I promise!" she shrieked in a panic. Theo snickered behind his teeth. When she realized that she had been tricked, Sierra pouted and grumbled incoherently but otherwise let Theo have his fun.

"In case things don't work out, I'd offer to let you stay with us, but…" Theo attempted to tell her sympathetically, glancing at Dagny and Malila who starting to get impatient, tired of being ignored yet again.

"No, I get it. It's been three years, so even if you didn't have two other girls staying with you, I would impose," Sierra's minotaur ears flicked a bit. Theo sighed lightly, the vein in his temple pulsing.

"Only a few months, Sisi…" he muttered, then proceeded to slap her head again a few times and moved in closer to whisper to her, "You would never impose on me. It's just that I'm already dying of dehydration over here as it is with two sexy liminals, so without anyone watching me, you coming in would uh…" He made a few incomprehensible words and gestures to try to explain the situation, and Sierra's mouth turned into a silent "oh" as she started to understand the situation. He was trying not to get arrested.

"If they're anything like I was a year and a half ago, I don't think you'd have a problem," Sierra giggled.

"Bricks. I remember," Theo grumbled back, "And I swear I need to get you a calendar."

"Hold on, I just realized something," Malila stated, finally showing some form of emotion, "Where is your host? We've been talking for about ten minutes, and no one else has shown up yet."

"Oh! I have a working permit!" Sierra claimed proudly, flicking her tail while reaching into her pocket and pulling out a license with a very flattering picture of her throwing up a peace sign with a wink on it. Dagny and Malila both furrowed their brows. They didn't know liminals could go out without an escort no matter what paperwork they had; the law is very clear on that. Maybe they needed to be part of the program for a year to earn special privileges?

"Nevertheless, want to take your break and go get a pretzel?" Theo asked casually, poking a thumb in the direction of a nearby concession stand.

"Please," Sierra agreed tiredly. Theo nodded and turned to the girls while he walked off, waving to them with that same stupid grin on his face.

"I'll catch up with you guys later!"

"He is so…" Malila sighed.

"Annoying?" Dagny offered.

"Yep."

"Kind of a clown?"

"Definitely."

"Still somehow really attractive?"

Malila turned to Dagny with a bemused look.

"What?"

As Sierra and Theo walked off, Malila and Dagny both took a second to let that whole mess sink in. Dagny's tail shook anxiously. Sliding into the boutique, she zoomed right for a mirror, making a pair of young girls yelp in surprise. Touching her face, seeing all those freckles splash across her cheeks, giving her the facade of a tan she didn't really have and with that nest of red hair being nearly unmanageable, Dagny started to whimper. Compared to Sierra with her perfectly manageable hair and her velvety flawless skin, Dagny was a slithering rat's nest. Remembering Sierra's outfit, then examining her own black sweater and denim skirt… Dagny was outclassed. This girl was even prettier than Malila, and the polynesian arachne was practically a goddess in her own right.

"What are you doing?" Malila asked. Dagny turned to look at her roommate with the most pitiful expression, whimpering as if she was about to cry. Malila rolled her eyes.

"You do realize they're not an item, right?" she asked. Malila figured she better get used to rolling her eyes if she was going to live with this child.

"Wh… what?" Dagny mewled. Malila crossed her arms as she twirled a strand of her hair in a pensive gesture.

"You really don't see it. I should have guessed," she noted, "He's a pervert. If they were together, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of her, but he didn't touch her like he would have touched a lover. More like a friend since he didn't hesitate to slap her. Heck, you guys aren't even together and yet he still treats you more romantically than her, not that I can see why."

Still teary eyed, Dagny tilted her head and shot her friend a dirty look.

"What? Did you not see her knockers? I don't know about you, but I couldn't take my eyes off them! Besides, even if she and Theo are together-" she smiled lightly "-you still have me. It might not be much, considering we just met today and all, but hey. I'm not going to go anywhere for the next year, so I'd be more than happy to be your friend… if you want… Oh, and if Theo ever breaks your heart, I'll be more than happy to tie him up so you can use him as a pinata!"

Dagny blinked for a moment. The arachne stood there, grinning like a madwoman and flexing her arm like the woman in that "we can do it" poster, but all her efforts trying to comfort her after the hours of mistrust and threats Dagny had thrown at her made the whole day feel like a bad comedy. Malila had been so tough before, but now she was trying to be friendly? Dagny wasn't sure if she should take the woman seriously or not. The sheer confusion made her giggle violently, forcing her to wipe away her tears. So much jealousy wasted. She spent so much time trying to figure out if this girl was going to be competition for Theo's affections, only for her to try and bury the hatchet on her own so they could be friends. Behind the laughter, Dagny felt like salty garbage.

"I'd love to see that," she admitted, but then stood on her tail and got a bit too close, making Malila lean back a bit, "Does this mean you're really not interested in him? Or am I reading too much into this?"

"Wait, is that what this is about?" Malila stammered, breaking eye contact and blushing, seeing the weird looks they were both getting, "Do you mind if we don't have this conversation here…?" Dagny's eyes narrowed and she slid away.

"Fine," she said simply, "I'm going to grab a few things. Meet me in the dressing room in ten?"

Malila shrugged and they both separated. A few minutes later, the girls skittered into a few adjacent booths in the back of the boutique, scaring the hairpiece off an old woman who ran out of the room and took a few seconds to sort through the clothes they both snagged while trying to ignore the choking silence that was weighing on them both. Eventually, Malila wasn't able to take it and asked if Dagny was decent before poking her head over the wall separating them.

Dagny met her eyes with a ferocious glare. The two stared at each other for a second, waiting for one another to break before they would say something.

"I am not interested in Theo," Malila said, breaking the silence first. Dagny was silent for a second before turning back to her clothes.

"Good," she said, "And.. sorry I got so…"

"Jealous?" Malila teased, dipping back into her own side and taking off her Godsmack tee, "Oh, believe me, it was actually pretty hilarious watching you think I was going to steal you're man. You really are blind, you know that?"

"What do you mean?" Dagny hissed, greatly offended.

"Well, you didn't see that Theo and Sierra aren't together, or that I'm not into men, or- and this is the best one -the web I've been tying around you all day."

"Wait, what was that middle- wah!" Dagny fell face first onto the ground when she felt something tug at her lower half, throwing off her balance hard enough to rock her, and heard Malila cackling on the other side of the wall separating them.

"See that? Blind, just like I told you!" she said in between laughs.

"I am going to murder you!" Dagny howled, giggling just as hard.

The two returned to silence, this one more comfortable than the last one until Malila began absentmindedly yet theatrically singing a fasted paced and gentle rock ballad Dagny had never heard before, but she didn't treat it as a joke. Instead, she acted it out as if it were a serious performance. The more she droned on, Dagny couldn't help but listen in and become entranced in the melodic way her voice lilted across the walls of the dressing room, catching herself so hypnotized by the performance that for a second she stopped dressing herself.

"That was beautiful," Dagny admitted, "Was song was that? Are you an actress?"

"Crap, I didn't realize I was doing that," Malila groaned, "No, I just love singing, and the song was an anime opening called Silhouette, but an english version I found online."

"I'll check it out later, but you never took lessons? You can't expect me to believe you got that good on your own!"

"It was kind of something I picked up from my parents… They were always singing in the house so it rubbed off on me, I guess."

Malila's voice was more timid than usual, and Dagny could hear her tapping one of her feet on the ground, so she must be getting uncomfortable at the praise or something. She decided to let the subject drop and check herself out in the mirror instead. She had put on a lacey pink push up bra with matching lamia style panties, a lingerie set built more for style than comfort to boost up what little she had, and twisted her body side to side to try to get the best view of it. It looked good, but she wasn't filling it out as much as she would have liked. It might have been too big a size for her, but it also looked weird when contrasted with her hair and freckles.

"I don't know about this one, I don't think it's my color," she said before turning to her second, third, and fourth pair of eyes, "What do you think?"

Malila poked her head over the wall again and gave Dagny a once over, but didn't answer, her eyes remaining trained onto Dagny's bust the minute she saw it. Dagny noted that the emotionless look returned on her face again as she checked her out, probably trying to decide her opinion on the outfit, so she didn't think too much of it at first, choosing to stand in place half nude. After a second, though, there was something else that sent a slight chill up her spine, and it wasn't the way Malila didn't even blink while she stared at her chest. She just couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't until Malila bit her lip that Dagny realized she wasn't looking at the lingerie, but was staring at the girl's body hungrily and making her face flush.

"Um… Mal?" Dagny tried, the nickname coming naturally as she crossed her arms over her chest. Hearing the name, Malila finally snapped back to attention, realized what she had been doing, then panicked and jumped back down into her own room with a rushed apology.

Malila ran her hands through her hair, trying to steady her frantic and embarrassed heartbeat while the woman in the stall opposite her folded the clothes she had already tried on without that blush ever leaving her. That was weird. Normally, being half or even fully naked in front of other people didn't bother her, but she had never had a woman give her that look before. Slapping herself out of her thought process, Dagny took a deep breath to steady her heartbeat.

"You're not mad, are you?" Malila asked, still hiding behind the wall. Flicking her ear in her direction when she heard her voice, Dagny smiled embarrassedly and stood on her tail to look over the wall, same as Malila had done earlier.

"Of course not! If I really cared, I would have said something when you told me you weren't into men," she said confidently. Malila jerked her head up.

"Really?" she asked depressedly.

"Nope. I have my own love life to worry about! I don't have time to care about who you sleep with!"

"Really?" Malila repeated.

"I promise. Now get dressed already! I have stuff to buy." Despite still feeling a bit violated, Dagny shot Malila a coy smile, making a small one of her own cross Malila's face as well, and then the pair grabbed their things together and checked out. Afterwards, as they walked out of Victoria's Secret, another thought crossed Malila's mind.

"So, this might be an odd question for you, and I promise it's unrelated to what happened in… in there," she said nervously, twirling the end of her hair.

"What's that?" Dagny responded, slithering up to the nearby cafe where Sierra and Theo were still joyfully catching up. Dagny noted how relaxed his body language was, but also how he made no attempt to touch the minotaur, or even get physically closer, so she was filled with a slight bit of comfort and excitement that maybe Malila's observation from earlier was right. Theo and she waved at each other before Dagny stepped in line to order something.

"Are you into women, too?" Malila blurted out, "I promise I'm not trying to imply anything but um… why are you looking at me like that?" Dagny was shaking her head with an amused arch to her brow, a cocky smirk on her face as she placed her hand on her hip.

"You'd be surprised how often I get that," she said with a relaxed attitude, "I'm guessing you caught me staring?"

"At me, at Sierra, at half the women in the store, and in the mall, seemingly having a bad habit of checking out other women, and you were OK with me staring at your babs, so…" Malila let the statement hang in the air while Dagny laughed at her.

"You notice everything, don't you?" she said, and decided that if Malila had been so friendly with her that maybe she should open up her heart a bit while they waited, "No, I'm not into women. I'm strictly heterosexual. It's just that I'm… kind of insecure? When I'm in the same room as someone as pretty as you, I start obsessing about how I'm too plain. Yes, I know it's a problem and don't give me that whole 'oh, you're so pretty though,' bollocks. I'm working on it! It's a hard habit to break, though, you know?"

"And what about you and Theo?" Malila followed up. Dagny groaned, combing her hands through her hair aggressively while her friend gave a sly smile, "Alright, nevermind. I have to be honest about something, though."

"Hm?" Dagny asked.

"I do get where you're coming from with him," Malila admitted, "He seems like he genuinely cares about you."

"You… you think so?" Dagny mumbled, a warm smile crossing her face. Malila smiled evilly, an idea suddenly coming across her mind.

"I'll make you a promise," she said with a touch of finality.

"Yeah?" Dagny's amorous smile was replaced with a cautious, untrusting tone.

"I'll help you and Theo get together if you promise that you and I get to go clothes shopping a bit more often." She was unable to stave off the giggle as Dagny gave her a knowing look.

"Don't even think I don't know what that's about, you pervert!" she shot back, shoving her shoulder, "Fine. I'll accept that, but only if you're satisfied with underwear. Once he realizes he can, only Theo will get to see me that way."

The pair continued to bicker and giggle, making plans and casting cursory glances over their shoulders at Theo who was watching them with a dubious expression. For the rest of the day until they settled in back home, the girls continued to give the poor boy mischievous smirks, having no idea what was coming to him while the pair made plans to make the next few months for him insufferably playful. That wasn't all of it, either. Perhaps they were a bit sadistic, because they realized that half of this was for them to enjoy every minute of making him suffer.

 **(A/N) You know, I liked how this turned out… Anyway, I promised you guys a tale about my computer, so for those of you who are interested and those of that aren't but are good sports and want to read this anyway.**

 **So, right now I'm using an HP Envy which I spent quite a bit of money for and that my niblings ended up damaging last month so I had to get it repaired, and that's because I like HP and know it's trustworthy merchandise. The last computer I had that actually worked was an HP, and if I bothered charging, I could still actually use it even though it is literally falling apart. No joke. Every time I open the screen on that one, a new piece falls off, but it still works. I know it's unfair of me to say I'll never buy another ASUS laptop because of this, but I also like to stick with what I know works, and that's HP, and really, the Best Buy I bought it from is the real villain here.**

 **I only had my ASUS for a few months, BARELY over half a year before it blue screened. It was still under warranty, so I did a little research on how to take advantage of that, but after checking every single resource I could, I found out that my model laptop didn't exist. I called ASUS customer service, and the serial number couldn't be found. Turns out, the Best Buy I bought it from was handing out bootleg, fake ASUS merchandise, and sold me a pile of garbage they probably built in someone's basement for $50 to sell for $700. At that point, I couldn't even be sure that the physical hardware they listed on the sales tags were what was actually in the computer.**

 **Again, I know it's unfair to ASUS for me to blame them for the behavior of criminals, and they really do make some amazing merchandise (the monitor I use for video games is an ASUS), so at some point, I will buy from them again. All I need is a bit of time to continue to complain about the experience before I can trust anything other than HP.**

 **If anyone from ASUS is reading this, I mean no offense to you nor your company and I'm sorry that criminals are taking advantage of your good name. If anyone from Best Buy is reading this, there are many words that I would love to use to describe how I feel about you right now, but I'd like to think I'm polite company. I know it's the people at the store level who are responsible for this and not the entire corporation. However, PLEASE make sure you start doing background checks on the people responsible for making these types of decisions. These criminals represent your company. Personally, I'm never going to shop at Best Buy again because of this, and I hope word gets out about how lax you are at choosing your personnelle.**

 **Thank you to those who decided to read this, and I hope that this cautionary tale helps you all in some way.**


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